This is harder then I thought.

     Not just getting back into the grove of things, but just life in general lately. Adrian's hours at work changed again so he's only seeing Nina one day a week. Life is just crazy, I really don't know how to get it under control. I'm feeling super overwhelmed but I just need to get through these weeks, find a job, hope everything works out for the best. I really just dont know where to begin.

    I'm tracking my food again, so hopefully that gives me a little more structure and I can control my eating habits because I have just been eating out far too much, too much junk. Bens coming home soon so I don't think that will help matters but at least then cooking at home won't be as depressing as when I'm cooking meals for one. I'm unsure if I'll ever have time to start working out again... I'm sure I will one day haha but not in the foreseeable future that is for sure. Specially since I had to get rid of my treadmill which is really too bad, I loved running. I do still have my gym pass I just haven't had any spare time. Maybe I need to make time, force myself to go and it would probably help with the stress.

     I have an ortho appointment tomorrow ( yay! Love ortho day!) and I have a job interview as a dental receptionist on Wednesday so wish me luck, I need it! Interviews always make me so nervous.

Back, hopefully for good.

     Life.Is.Crazzzzy. That's all I have to say.  Now that things are settling down, I'm moved into my new apartment, lifes finally getting back to normal.  I've been back and forth the last few weeks going to visit my boyfriend 8 hours away. There 3 days, here for 4. Such a mission. Luckily it's over and he will be home in two weeks.  My weight hasn't changed much, and I've been semi-tracking and eating out a ton. That's all going to change now.

     I am starting to look for a new job, and hopefully get life back to...my new normal. I have a hard time with Nina being gone three days a week, and Ben being gone I start to get really lonely. She's with me for all of December though because of Adrians work schedule but January is going to be really hard after having her all month.

     With all my free time from being unemployed you would think I'd take the opportunity to go to the gym, or use my spare time to do my meal planning... but that hasn't been happening. I'm going to start logging in every morning again like I used to. It definitely helped keep me on track. Now that I have a computer again it should be  a lot easier to stick to. I say that as I'm eating a chicken donair.

     Ah life is so good. It's unbelievable, I didnt know I could feel this happy... and free.

Well, this is it.

Today is moving day, sort of.  We are moving out of our house, and I am moving into my place tomorrow, Adrian into his tonight. I thought I'd be more emotional, but I guess when it's over, it's over.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my weight loss, if I want to lose more, wait, stay where I am... I'm really undecided. Eventually I will want to lose more, the last 40 pounds or so but I'm not sure if now is the time. I'm still paying attention to what I am eating, I'm just not stressing about it. I am eating out a lot that is for sure. Probably will continue to until I am settled in my own place.

A big part of the reason I decided to lose weight is because my ex really pressured me into it. Pressured me to take diet pills, would tell me to just not eat for a few days when I hit my plateau.  I think I need to take a break and focus on me, what I want and decide what I want to do for myself.  I haven't even had time to think lately let alone focus.

Also, I don't remember if I mentioned it in my last post but the dr had started me on Ativan for two weeks and it does not seem to be helping. In fact, the only think it does seem to do is make me sleep. I am talking like from the time I get home till I wake up for work. I'm missing out on time with Nina, time with my friends. I'm wasting my life sleeping it away. I am supposed to go back tomorrow and follow up.

Well, wish me luck!! I can't believe today is finally here.

Here I am.

I know some of you at least had to have been wondering where I was hiding. Life has been...intense. I don't even know where to start, what I've told you and what I haven't. Well let's just start and go from there.

I joined baseball a few weeks ago and even with being able to hang out with friends one day a week I found my sense of independence again. I got a job a few weeks later. I told my husband I no longer wanted to be together, he felt the same way and we decided to separate. Things were good, he makes a better ex then husband and that is okay. Wre working things out and they are going as amicably as possible. I had written a post a while ago about how things were changing and I couldn't say quite how yet.  That was it. My life was going great and I was happier then I ever remember being. In my old posts it was hit or miss on how I'd feel that day. Some days I'd be fine and happy and others I just hated my life. I finally got my drivers license!!

A few days after Adrian andi decided to finally end things, and move out of our house at the end of the month my mom passed away. October 4th. I  had a rocky relationship with my mom, at best, as this blog has definitely shown. It was getting better though and this was really unexpected. I love my mom and I do miss her. I felt like I was doing okay, at peace with it all, but I am not coping as well as I thought.

I was okay when she died. I was alone when I went to the hospital and they took me to the quiet little room at the endif the hall and the dr told me, I just said okay. I had no reaction and she just looked at me. I felt like I was doing something wrong, but finally she left. I had to call my sister, my dad, and my moms "boyfriend". Then I went to see her, I just sat there and thought over and over "are you happy now? Are you happy now?" My dad was a mess and that was hard to deal with. Every one kept saying it was going to hit me, and I don't know if it even has yet. Maybe I felt like I lost my mom such a long time ago that its not as upsetting for me.  Seeing her apartment was hard, I felt bad she was living that way. Her boyfriend went in and cleared out anything worth money. Her laptop, camera, cell phone. Ect. Left empty wine bottles and glasses and blood and puke everywhere for my sister my dad and I to deal with. Priorities I guess. I'm still angry about the things he did, the way my sister and I were treated by her family. That's a story for another day I guess.

So with everything going on in my life I've been really stressed out, having a lot of bad, bad, anxiety. Since the anxiety is something that's been bothering me for such a long time and the vitamins and supplements are not working (not that my diets been great lately either) I did end up going to the dr who prescribed me Ativan. It's been a few days now and it definitely does help when I'm in a full on attack but in a week if its not better I'm supposed to go back.

Other then that a lot of amazing things are happening in my life. I got my license, a car, a job I love, my own little apartment. An amazing, amazing guy I am starting to spend time with. Things overall are turning around for me and I'm looking forward to what my future holds for me.

Busy busy.

     I noticed on July 26th that it had been a month since my last update, and really did mean to post but life has been so crazy. I wish I could tell you all of the amazing things I have going on but I can't. Not yet anyways. I can tell you some good stuff, though!!

     I did not run my 5k race, not because I wasn't ready but I was just so busy I didn't even remember to sign up. Baseball is going great, love my team and I love playing. I signed up for fall season and I do not know what I'm going to do after that. Maybe I'll sign up for dodgeball. Because apparently that's totally a thing!! I thought it was only in movies...that they had dodgeball leagues.

     Foods been okay, I havent been tracking like I used to but am still paying attention and still losing weight. It's been good though.

     I can not begin to explain how happy I am. I made some huge life changes and I have a plan and soon e erring will come together and I will be able to tell you all. I'm currently looking for a job which has been my main downer...I'm lucky that I can be choosy though and can wait for a job that feels right to me.  I'm going to tr and upload some pics now. I'm at 30lbs lost now!

Sorry in advance

I'm writing this from my iPad which always ends up not forming paragraphs, and between my own mess of spelling and autocorrect... Well we all know what happens when I iPad.

Anyways! Onto the good stuff. It's been a crazy week for me here. I signed up for the lose a marathon challenge at the blog run with Jess. I'm so impressed its so well done and organized. Yesterday was my first weigh in and I stayed at the same weight but after the week I had I'm just happy I didn't gain.

I've been in a really weird place emotionally and I've been working hard to just feel better. I haven't been ticking my calories as diligently as I should be but I haven't been going crazy. I have been drinking a ton of beer though lol. I went to a party, I threw a party! I've been. Going out with friends. I joined a baseball team and I still have my 5k coming up. Made new friends and I'm feeling a lot better and doing a better job at keeping myself busy. I've been feeling really bored with my life lately so I had to change something. It worked!

Anyways do back to the challenge. My goals are to get back to tracking my food, limit my beer intake, and to run more often then I have been. I know I can do it I just need to learn how to balance everything. Wish me luck!

Patience is key.

     If there is anything I have learned over the last year, it's patience. 365 days ago I started tracking my calories, and being more active. I don't know how serious I was about it, I didn't think I would make any progress.  Then when I started losing weight and I knew it wasn't as hard as I thought I got cocky. I thought man how easy is this? Why doesn't every body do it? Why wouldn't they?  I certainly didn't think I would hit a plateau and I really didn't think I would hit a plateau that lasted SIX.MONTHS. I did though, and I survived barely. I'm not where I thought I was going to be, but I'm okay with that now.

     There's been a lot of major changes in the last year and a lot of even bigger ones coming over the summer. I was going to write a post about all the things that I've accomplished over the last year or all the changes I've made, but I don't think I will. Instead I'll tell you all about where I am now, and what I am looking forward to.

     As of today I have lost 24 pounds, and 11.5 inches over all.  I'm in control of my eating habits ( for the most part, c'mon we all need cake sometimes.) I'm registering tomorrow for my first 5K run. I'm currently training for said run which is something I never though I would do a year ago. I didn't think I could. Generally I am so much happier. Unbelievably happy. Happy with myself and with the direction my life is taking. I feel like it's worth it now. I have a sense of accomplishment and it's not because I've lost a ton of weight or did great things this year but it's because I know that even when I feel like I'm failing I can stay committed and make real changes, and no matter how long it takes eventually I'll see the results I want. I am about 1/3rd of the way to where I want to be weight wise but mentally I feel like I'm 100% there already. I just hope my body doesn't take another 2 years to catch up.

     Well I hope this post didn't come off sounding cheesy and lame. I'm just so stoked and proud of myself. A year ago I wouldn't have said that but I feel like I deserve it now.

     Tomorrows a big day for our family, so wish us luck! :D

Happy Birthday Nina!

     Today is Ninas 2nd birthday. We're not really celebrating today though, we're going out for dinner and having cake on Monday. Her favorite restaurant, Red Robins. She loves when they sing. I'm so blessed! She really couldn't be more perfect. Okay, she could but I love her. She's so smart and learning so much, every day is something new. She's so active and energetic, I wish I had her stamina. Happy Birthday Nina!

     I have so much ranting I want to do, but it's her birthday and I won't. (About my parents, not her! She's an angel, obviously.)

     Enough about that, I posted my blog link in a forum that I post on a lot, and I think I've had more hits in the last 12 hours then I have in the last month which is just craziness. Thanks for the interest and an O HAI to my new followers.

Rainy days are here again.

     I'm not using that as an excuse though! Last night I put off my run for most of the day but I eventually did it. I started doing the C25K again, and I can feel such a difference from last time. Day 1 Week 1 was EASY. I even ran some of the walking. I thought about skipping the rest of Week 1 but I think I'd rather do it, and not get ahead of myself. Calories are good, working out is good and I'm staying motivated. It's a lot easier now and I'm glad that I didnt give up after being at a plateau of 162 for SO long. I can see such a difference in my endurance and even motivation to get up and just do it. It's crazy how so much can change in a year. Weighed in this morning and I was 159. Can't even remember the last time I saw 162 and I don't even care because it is HISTORY!

     I feel bummed because I can't blog as much as I want to, I either have to hijack Adrians laptop or use mine in safe mode. D: I just have to take it to the mall and get it fixed cause I didn't realize how much I needed it! I do wonder if any one out there even cares. I need to figure out how to stay interesting I suppose!

     I'm going to go add a ticker to my race day! I am SO.STOKED. nervous too, mostly stoked.

Was I scared, did I psyche myself out, or did I just give up.

     I started off with good intentions today. I packed up Nina, got ready and started my 5.8K walk/jog.  I was fine the first part, a little creepy being in the trees alone but nothing too bad. Talked to Nina and pointed out animals. Then we got to the lake where there was lots of other people, with kids and walking their dogs and I felt great. I thought no problem I'm going to rock this. Then I got to the ravine. It's quiet. There's no houses around, your deep in the ravine and I didn't see one other person for a while. I started to get nervous, then anxious. I thought ok keep going it's all in your head, there's no reason to be scared. You have your phone, you can RUN. I sped up a little bit. Still getting more anxious.  Right about the time I got to the area where a body was found a few months ago (this isn't a regular thing! I swear!  I tried to find an article but can't.) Anyways when I got to where the flowers were hanging by a bridge and there was a firepit then I started thinking about how homeless people live under bridges and then every time i walked over a bridge i pictured creepy homeless men coming out and raping me.  Well, I'm sad to say it got bad enough that I literally climed the side of the ravine to get out. With a 25 lb toddler on my back. I did that. It's kind of neat cause I actually ended up right on my street which I didn't even know was going to happen so SUPER helpful for me.

     When I got home I felt good, I retracked my route and I ended up only walking 4.25km. Now that I have a chance to reflect I keep beating myself up about it. I know that I was being crazy. I know that we were perfectly safe. I know people walk that trail hundreds of times. I know I've walked that trail alone before. I can't beat myself up about it, but I wonder if I was actually scared, did i just psyche myself out, or did I just quit and that was an excuse? It's hard with the anxiety to push myself when I know that even though my head is telling me that i am nuts, that I genuinely feel scared. I was really terrified. I really thought all those crazy things in my head about bridge trolls were going to come true. How do I get over that? How do I make sure that I keep my head on track next time?

     Luckily for paranoid assholes like me, Edmonton Police has a super handy tool called the Crime Map. All I have to do is look up the ravine and it shows me all the crimes in that area. Since January of this year there was only 1 crime in the area and thankfully ( for me!) it was neither a violent crime, or anything that would effect me at all. It was theft from a car under $5000. Luckily I don't drive and everything I own is much more then $5000.  So for now my mind is at ease, and next time I'll have to remember that I can do it and that it is as safe, if not safer then just walking down the street.

I don't think this photo really shows how steep it really is! I'll have to go get another photo later, I was SO impressed that I climbed up the side!

Bridge Trolls live here.

R.i.p laptop.

Well, this sucks. Something's wrong with my laptop and I don't know how to fix it. Which means I can only blog from my iPad. I apologize because for some reason blogger won't let me use paragraphs from my iPad. I duno what's up with that but I am bummed. I guess I'll have to go laptop shopping.

MOMentum 5K Walk/Run

     So I've made the decision to sign up for my very first real life 5K walk/run.  It seems basic enough for a newbie like me even if I can't run the whole thing. It's a good start and I am glad I decided to do it. I'm actually really excited, and really nervous. MOMentum, is the link to their website's event page with more information.

     Yesterday was actually a really great day. I walked the 6K route through the ravine that I plan to train on and it's not as scary as I actually thought it would be. I couldnt run yesterday because I had a 15lb weight and was pushing Nina in a bike. Not to mention I had Adrian there, slowing me down as usual (kidding, kidding...kinda.) I'm really motivated to start actually training today, but I don't have a jogging stroller and the stroller I do have is nearly impossible to push on the gravel. Then I was going to go for a walk but the skies not looking so friendly and the forecast is calling for thunderstorms. Actually, now that I think about it if I want to run outside I won't be able to start until Sunday. I'll have to run on the treadmill tomorrow afternoon. I'm not stoked about it, but I want to be able to run my 5k in August! So for today I'll take a rest day and I've planned a few different 5K's both on pavement ( so I can push the stroller or bike) and through the trails, and some 2.5 K's for days when I don't have the time or the energy for a full walk/jog/run.

     On a less happy note, I weighed in and my weight was 1 lbs less then it was yesterday.... which is great except yesterday was 3lbs more then a few weeks ago... which was already 3 lbs more then a few weeks before that but I had the flu so I expected not to keep it off... So I weighed 160. Then I got on my scale 157?! I didnt believe it I got on and off like 5 more times... 157. Then one last time...160. I think my scales messing with me.

I love summer!

     Maybe a little bit of nice weather is what the dr ordered to break my plateau. Can I even call it that? It's been so long. I'm not seeing 162 any more, which is great but every time the scale doesn't go down I get nervous. I really need to get over that, but after such a LONG plateau it's really still bothering me. I am making progress though and it is over so I just need to move on.  I need to quit talking about it, and soon enough I will quit thinking about it.

     There is just something about the nice weather that makes me want to get up and MOVE! I dont want to sit inside on the couch all day. It never bothered me before but now I just want to be in the sun, I want to be moving. I'm glad I can get back to walking and maybe I'll get the guts to jog in public, but... I'm scared. Which is stupid really, because I run at the gym and that is just as public as the street and not nearly as much fun as the trails I have access too. I even bought a pink and white soccer ball Nina is having a good time kicking around. I'm glad she's such an active baby. I hope she doesn't grow out of that.

     The very best part of summer is DEFINITELY the bbqs! I love bbqing every day when I can, and using my crock pot on days that I cant because cooking on the stove is just too much heat!  If there is one thing I love it's trying new recipes. I'm not much of a cook myself, but I can follow a recipe pretty good. I will definitely start sharing great ones that I find. Tonight I'm trying ( surprise!) Skinny Taste's Buffalo Turkey Burger. I'll be having the slaw but with regular ranch dressing and not the blue cheese. Not because I have anything against blue cheese (her blue cheese buffalo chicken dip is seriously AMAZING!) but because I don't have any.

     Any body have any other food blogs or cookbooks that are worth sharing? I'm going to be looking around this afternoon but I love any one elses suggestions and reviews! I'll also try posting more photos, not only of myself but of FOOD. I love food, and I'm glad we're working on our problems and moving towards a healthy relationship.

345 days.

     It's been that long. Seriously! I better start getting my 1 year speech ready. Like I'm accepting an award. I'll put it right beside my mom of the year and best wife ever trophies. Really though?! Almost a whole year I've been fighting this war. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing the battles, but I'm winning the war. War on fat. YOU HEAR THAT?!? I'm coming for you...and you... and YOU.

     Really though, maybe it's because it's finally not raining, maybe it's because I woke up at a normal hour after a long, solid sleep.  I woke up in a great mood... I feel almost rejuvenated. In my head I feel like "I GOT THIS. AINT NO THANG". All the depression and anxiety for the last few days is just gone. Maybe it's because Adrian bought me flowers and a thank you card for belated mothers day. Which will from this day forth be called Sabrina Appreciation Day.  I blew my nose and lost my tissue in bed, Adrian is not going to be happy when he finds it.

     Weighed in this morning at a beautiful looking 158. BEAUTIFUL. 

     Followed a bunch of new blogs yesterday and I'm loving them. Gosh internet people are so witty and humorous. I hope one day I can stop writing like a kindergardener and people will find me as interesting as I find the bloggers I follow to be. I aspire to it.

     Thanks everybody for your supportive comments on my last few posts. I really haven't been feeling myself but I am back and feeling better then ever. I am going to work on my Thank you speech so I will leave you with this.

I tried to find a recent picture of me but I do not have one, so I will work on that today if I manage to get pants on. 

and yes I wear my sunglasses inside. Actually I don't usually but I had my eyebrows waxed so they were all red. Thank you Victoria for making me feel like a wacko.

   

What the heck?!??

 All of the blogs I follow are missing from my reading list!! wtf do I do!! I love so many blogs omg I am going to punch kittens.

10 am, and it's no good.

My day, this far anyways. I was hoping to sleep in but with a two year old that's nearly impossible. I woke up feeling like crap' and it's raining. Went through the morning routine in the bathroom (more on that later) and finally put on pants and got the baby downstairs, with out falling down them for the 10000th time. I still felt like crap so I gave mini Satan fruit while I satin the couch watching toopy and binoo which for some reason is toopy and puppy to her. I think it's a cat which is weird because she calls everything cats except the cat, that's a puppy. Anyways she eats it and I start second breakfast, eggs whites with peppers and onions for me...egg yolks with the same for her. I'm efficient that way. But do you think she wants them? No. Salt and vinegar chips? Of course. And not wanting to shame my mom of the year award she won this battle. Now she is sitting in front of the tv with her eggs...I still feel like throwing up. And now I'm being mounted by a 2 year old. I couldn't decide if I should blog from my iPad or wait till I got my laptop but considering its dead if I waited to charge it I probably never would have blogged at all, so after all of the auto corrections and my terrible iPad typing I hope this still makes sense. I dream of strangling toopy. Now the good stuff. I went to visit my sister and as I had suspected, I was not only over in sodium but it was through.the.roof. Somedays as high as 4000mg. I even managed to eat a 520 calorie cookie. Can you believe that? So I got home caring fresh vegetables. We're having salads for lunch and dinner all week. I'm so bloated I'm drinking a shit ton of sassy water because it usually helps when I feel bloated. It's not all negative though, I weighed in today and didn't gain anything so I am not complaining. I still tracked everything I ate and even though I went over most days and I'm probably retaining water like crazy I am not seeing 162. Smells like its time to go.

Whoa.

I guess I just don't have anything important to update lately...not much in the way of progress anyways. I haven't seen 162 on y scale in quite some time so that's nice. I started eating 1200 calories again. Going to aqua size and going for walks so generally feeling better and doing better. I'm concerned about this weekend though. I'm going to my sisters so I'll be traveling for a better part of Friday and eating at her house all weekend and traveling back on Monday. I love my sister, but her idea of a meal is buying something from m and m meats and throwing it in the oven. She doesn't buy fresh fruits or vegetables...and even told me m and m meats sells eggs and bacon. I'll still be tracking though and I'll be drinking a ton of water...it is just the sodium ill be worried about mostly. I'm still happy though I haven't seen her in over a year. I'll definitely Update with lots of pictures whe I get back.

I've got this.

I figured it out. I bought Henrey a harness and leash type thing to attach to the deck so he does get to enjoy some out side time as well. We're all a little happier around here now with out the moaning. We're all done with the flu and stomach bugs. I have stuck to around 1300 to 1600 calories for the sat few days and I weighed in today and it was NOT 162. I could have cried tears of joy. It seems like every time it changes though, I blog about it and it bounces right back so I'm tempted to just delete this whole sentence. Well, off to find some fun activities for us to do today...I wanted to go for a walk but it seems awfully windy and pushing the stroller in the wind is more of a work out then I think I can handle. Can't wait for the weekend, it's supposed to be beautiful.

Grrrrr cat.

My 3 legged cat keeps whining to go outside and it is driving me up.the.wall. Other the that I'm feeling 100 times better. I've been getting out a lot lately, doing lots of fun activities! Been going to swimming a lot, I love me some aqua size and now I have a friend to go with so it's fun too. When I think about where I was at this time last year, I was miserable. I was 30 lbs heavier, I didn't care about how I looked, I didn't care about how I felt I thought it was all just normal. I may keep telling myself I've only lost 30 lbs in a year, I haven't been losing weight for how many months... But it doesn't even matter. The stress, feeling upset, or defeated... It's not worth it. So much has changed in the last year and it's so much better then losing weight. Losing weight is nice, I hope I lose the rest but I am done torturing myself and stressing. I'll figure it out eventually but I don't need to put added pressure on myself. I need to keep myself happy first, and the rest will come.

Bad Choices.

     I can't even figure out how to say what I want to say. I feel like what I need or want to say isn't what the followers of my blog want to read. I don't need to be told that it's a bad choice. I don't need to be told that what I am doing is wrong. I know that, I'm not an idiot...well I am, but you get it. I'm not looking for support from this post and I'm not expecting people to get it. I'm just saying what I feel like I need to get off my chest in order to accept it and move on. I am doing my best and my results are garbage. I'm really frustrated with myself and with my body. I keep getting told that I'm so motivated, but I'm not. I'm really just at the end of my rope and I don't know what else to do.

     1650 wasn't working for me, I didn't give it much of a chance. I don't think I ever planned to. I started taking a "diet pill" then I had the flu a while ago and ever since I've been averaging about 800 calories a day. Sometimes I purge before I go to bed at night if I feel like I can. I was sick Saturday morning and after throwing up most of the morning I was down to 154.8 lbs. I didn't plan to do this. I don't plan on doing it forever, I just don't know what else to do. I feel like I have tried everything. I have done everything that I can possibly think of. I've asked for help figuring it out. I've checked dozens of websites, I've made threads on other sites asking. WHAT.DO.I.HAVE.TO.DO? Why isn't anything working? I don't know, but I need to figure it out.

     I feel like I'm letting everybody down and maybe that's why I haven't been wanting to update. I've been doing okay, and working out and I'm happier then I've been in a while. I'm getting out of the house and I am doing more. I'm making new friends and I feel like a better version of myself. I went down from 162 and I feel a sense of relief, and FINALLY... but it comes with a lot of guilt, regret, stress, and fear. I know it won't be forever. I really need a plan. I need to figure something out. I thought I was done with this and I didnt think it would be something I had to worry about ever again. My head knows it's wrong. I'm going to call some nutritionists in Edmonton this week and see if I can get some one to help me come up with a better plan. What I can do on my own isn't good enough.

I guess it's been a while.

      I didn't realize it had been so long since my last post. So long that I can't even remember what my last post was about. It just  hasn't been a good week over here at Casa De Sabrizzle. The baby had the flu, I had the flu, I'm so tired, the baby is a monster. As I write this she's standing beside me crying... just cuz she can I guess. I'm going to take her to the park later, and I even thought about doing a work out at the park but I feel so self conscious. I know it's so easy to get a work out in there but people might think I'm crazy, or weird... or why is this fat chick pretending like she works out or something. I have no idea.

     I asked for some advice on my fitness pal, and some one helped me figure out I should be eating 1650 calories a day, 35/40/25 (carbs, protein, fat) so that's taking a little bit to get used to. I hope I don't see a gain before a loss because I might actually completely lose my mind. I'm assuming I am going to, I've been eating about 500 calories for a few days and my stomach is still not feeling so hot so I'm just eating what I can and not what I should.

     I have a wedding to go to Sunday night, my dad agree'd to babysit. My friend agree'd to babysit if he bails. So I definitely have a babysitter and I'll definitely be able to go out Sunday night! I bought a new outfit and cleaned off my dancing shoes. I'm SO excited, I hope I feel better so I can be 100% fun.

     Don't forget to vote Monday! I'm still torn, but pretty sure I know who I'll be voting for this year!

who doesn't love ice cream cake??

     Rainy day here, it's nice though so snuggle up and watch movies with Nina. Drink some of my new teas I bought yesterday. One being David's Tea Ice Cream Cake. It makes me want stew, or soup for dinner but we're having chicken parmesan which is good too. Soup and sandwich for lunch, I think so.

     Yesterday I was having such a great day. I went shopping and Nina was being an angel and no complains at all. I'm sure being a 2 year old stuck in a stroller for 5 hours cannot be fun. I met up with Katy for a few minutes too! Shopped and hung out with Nina. Had an Arbys Beef n' Cheddar for lunch witch was the same calories as the salad I had planned in  my lunch lol. Went car shopping and while we were talking to the lady about financing she asked Nina if she was "excited for the new baby" Like really?  Nothing to bring me down when I'm feeling good about myself. Adrian did buy me a fantastic pair of sunglasses though so I'm happy. I just have to remember that I'm working on it and some people are just ignorant. Even though I've lost weight and I feel good about it I'm still fat to the rest of the world and they don't know that I'm trying.

   Time to curl up for a couch nap.

I ate a chunk of margarine today.

     With breakfast, by accident. Not pleasant.

     So Easter is here. Any one who knows me at all knows I have a hard time with the holidays. This Easter was actually so amazing for me. I wasn't looking forward to it but I ended up having a really great day. We woke up and Nina did her egg hunt and had jelly beans for breakfast, then Adrian made us real breakfast. Nina did a ton of painting, she loves it! My dad even came over and brought me coffee which I don't drink but the thought counts!  Then we went to my moms which is what I was really dreading but I ended up having an okay time and Nina had a lot of fun. Lupper was good! Ham and mashed potatoes, I ate lots of salad and water.  We went for a drive and I drove!  Then we went to wal-mart and had pizza and wings for dinner ( still in my calories, no worries guys!) TWO EPISODES OF GCB?! Heck yes.

     I weighed in today, 157. It's definitely set my mood for today because I am in SUCH a good mood. Definitely going for a walk later.  I made a smoothie today with breakfast and shared it with Nina.  having chicken curry ( from where else, skinny taste!) for dinner tonight.

     I am definitely past my plateau now, thanks to raising my calories and I am definitely definitely feeling great about it. I am so out of my funk and feeling so much better about everything. I seriously thought I was going to lose it. Almost 300 days of 1200 calories and like 200 of them not losing anything? Seems impossible! Not any more though. I'm in a good place.

    Today also marks my 300 day anniversary on MFP. I can't believe it. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S BEEN 300 DAYS. A couple more pounds and I'll be able to add more pics so  my progress photos! 5 lbs.

Saveee meeee...

     I.am.sick. I'm such a baby about being sick I curl up on the couch and practically make my husband spoon feed me. Okay, not really...  but now that I think about it, it doesn't sound half bad. After a beautiful week, it snowed last night. A LOT. Too much. Now it's sunny again and I'm starting to think our weather is bi-polar. I'm going to take a page from the book of Ayla and shovel my sidewalk later to burn some calories. Something I haven't been doing much of lately. I'M SICK THOUGHHHH... I haven't weighed myself in a few days so I have no idea what that is. If I had to guess,  162? LOL. Probably :( I think AF is going to rear her ugly head any day now so it wouldn't be shocking.

     I'm doing okay with calories and all that stuff, nothing really to update on that front. I'm trying to find some good smoothies/shakes for breakfast and I know that making them is obviously the best way to go but I wonder if there is anything store bought/easier. Easier then making a smoothie? God, could I be any lazier? I found one on Skinnytaste ( Go figure!) that seems easy and delicious so I'm going to try it tonight since I don't have nearly enough calories for today. Maybe I'll have some soup and toast. Maybe I'll have a nap.

     Maybe I should work out.

No.Beuno.

     I'm winning half the battle. I've upped my calories and am doing well staying in them, even having trouble to eat enough. Not really eat enough as eat enough healthy choices. Still struggling with my sodium but other then that doing better with my macro-nutrients over all. I also hid my scale in the basement so while I'll still be checking my weight once in a while I am far too lazy to go down there every morning when I wake up. This is the good news.

   The not so hot news is that I am not doing so well with my walking/jogging/working out in general.  Last night I felt the scratch in my throat and today I have a full blown man cold.  AGAIN! I never get sicks and now I've been sick twice, it's so annoying. I wish this weather would just settle down! So I know I should be working out but I am far too tired, lazy, sore, and hating my life today. During the babies nap I am going to take a super hot bath with some neocitran and then nap on my couch. Couch naps are always the best naps. Depending on the time when we wake up then maybe we'll get a walk in this evening but I doubt it.


    Omg! I can't believe I didn't post this, because I find it hilarious. On April Fools Day I woke up, and changed my facebook name to my sisters, Kim and my display picture to one of her. I wrote on her facebook page, "Where are you, sister?!" and "I love you!". She did not find it nearly as hilarious as I did. Actually she deleted me from her facebook and is refusing to ever talk to me again. So I did it to my friend Linda and I actually feel bad because I tagged her in a different friends status and she ended up getting like 200 notifications but didn't come online the whole day so in the end she was just confused but I legit spent most of my day giggling like a psycho at my computer. Doesn't take much to amuse me lol. I was going to saran wrap Adrians toilet but then figured I'd be the one who ended up doing all the cleaning so no thank-you.

     So many activities planned this week! I want to do some walking so I can reach my 15K goal because I have not ONCE done it, and it's not even much!! I want to go swimming when I'm not dying any  more and Wednesday we're putting the small satan into a twin bed so this is going to be an interesting week.

Happy April Fools!

     I haven't seen 162 since I went down to 157 and I am stoked! Upping my calories was the absolute best thing I could have done. I'm having a little difficulty staying in my macro nutrients but it's getting better. Not today though cause I have a little bit of a hang over from girls night and I had Mcdonalds for lunch and will have Subway for dinner lol.

Just three chicks in a tub.

     It was nice to hang out with some new friends. We never did get around to the board game, but my nails have never looked better. I always feel nervous after I hang out with new people, hoping they don't think I'm a nutjob or something afterwards. I had fun though, lots of good snacks, too good.

Exercise is boring.

     I just logged yesterdays work out on Daily Mile and I always choose "Blah" as my mood when I have to work out on the treadmill. I was like it's just SO boring. Then I turned on biggest loser and what do you know... this weeks theme. I swear they can read my mind! I'm still working on it though, that has to count for something! Thus far I'm at 3km/15km for this week, and 20.75 km/500km for the year. I'm going to be doing a lot of walking tomorrow I wish I had a way to track my distance then! I'd also love to go swimming this week but it's Spring Break and I do not enjoy fighting the crowds, maybe next week. I think I'm going to order zumba for my Wii fit. I got it for Christmas and haven't used it.

    What I decided to do in the end calorie wise was up my calories to 1385 but I'm aiming to stick between 1385-1400.  It's my BMR, minus 500 calories for a loss of 1lb a week. Ive thought about eating the 1885 but I  don't think, mentally, that I can do that. Not yet anyways.

This morning I was 161 lbs, but I'm so over the scale. I hate fighting with it. Every day I hop on and think YES TODAYS GOING TO BE.....162. it's always 162. When it's not... it goes back to 162. So tonight I'm putting the scale in the shed so I'll stop weighing myself because I'm tired of the disappointment!!

Brace Face

     Thank you to eeeverybody, that commented or messaged me about my last post. I had no idea that so many people followed my blog that I didn't even know about. I appreciate everything that you had to say. I was really angry with myself but today I'm okay. I woke up excited and while I haven't been doing so well food wise lately I'm feeling better emotionally then I was that day and I'll get back  into the swing of things. I still am thinking about my game plan... what I want and need to do. I think Katy is right, I'm going to eat calories accoring to my BMR and then I am going to also carry on with my 15K/week challenge with Ayla. I feel leaps and bounds better and I want to say thank you to every one who follows me and definitely a special thanks to Andraea, Katy, and Ayla.  They seem to have a special knack for picking me up when I feel at my lowest with out knowing it.

     I logged everything on mfp and I was going to make my diary private, but I didn't. I even brought attention to the fact I went over my calories. I didn't know how people would react or what they would have to say but I felt like I needed them to know, I needed them to comment and acknowledge that they saw it and not just not say anything.  I don't know why I felt like that but people always comment on "good days" or when I log in for 285 days so I kind of feel like I needed to know what they thought when I had a bad day. I am happy that they seemed to know and understand. They didn't have anything rude to say just basically to pick myself up by my boot straps and carry on, but at the same time not saying that it was okay.

    I'm okay, I'm not doing well with food or working out. I had pizza last night and im going to have fries with my dinner tonight but I'm okay with this tonight. Tomorrow I'm sticking to the plan and going to start working on my 15K.  I'm feeling good about this week, and the future in general.

     I haven't come far weight wise, but my life, my attitude has changed leaps and bounds in the last year. Emotionally I have come so far and I can feel the difference. I love my life. I'm not depressed. I look forward to getting out of bed every.fucking.day. I feel better in my marriage and as a mother and as a person in general. I had a bad day last week, but the support and love I felt afterwards was something I didn't think I'd ever feel. I don't have much of a family, and I don't have many friends... but I am SO lucky, and so grateful for the people in my life. Virtual or otherwise. Thanks everybody!!

CHECK ME OUT~~

Roller Coaster

     My mind was really everywhere today. I don't know why. I kind of thought I would take a break... but then I broke. I binged like I've never seen food before. I ate 2810 calories today. Over my limit by 1610 calories which is more then double my daily calorie goals.  Honestly I don't know where I stand now. My weight drops and then back to 162. I gain then back to 162. I'm so just over it. I'm mad. I'm annoyed. I've tried upping my calories, working out, not working out, eating work out calories and not eating work out calories. I am so frustrated. I'm ready to just quit. What the fuck is the point if nothing fucking works?  Why put in so much time and effort just to get the same results then if I had done nothing at all.

     Then I thought why not just purge it all. Then I'm in control again. Then I can eat what I want and I can do what I want to. Then it's like I didn't mess up. I can quite literally have my cake and eat it too. It's been a long time since my minds gone there. I didn't purge. What I did do was track every single thing I ate today and looked at it. It's there and no amount of throwing it up is going to hide it. There for the world to see that I ate it. I messed up. I make mistakes too. I don't have it easy, I don't just tra lalala down the street losing all the weight I want. I wish I did.

    Right now... I'm just thinking tomorrows another day. Another chance to start over and leave everything from today behind... but I won't. I'll wake up, I'll weigh myself, I'll poke my fat and grab my stomach rolls and  pull at my loose skin and hate myself for everything I ate today. I'll sigh, and I'll get dressed and I'll pretend like it never happened. That's just what I do.

     Even then, tomorrow is a great day for a new start. I'm getting my braces put on. It's supposed to be an exciting day for me... but now I feel like it's tainted. I'm going to be upset with myself. What I need to do today, is just review the points I made a few days ago, and come up with a game plan. Clearly 1200 calories a day isn't working for me. 1300 calories a day didn't do anything. So now I feel like I have 2 options. I can restrict my calories even more which I'm worried if I do will lead to another binge, but maybe not since I had been doing pretty well for so long. Over 280 days I've been tracking every.single.thing that I put into my mouth. Down to my ex-lax. ( 30 calories?!?? Seriously??!) I'm still the same weight I was at the beginning of  December.  Anyways like i was saying I can either restrict more which I don't think is the right answer, or I can try zig-zagging my calories. I found a site that will give me the amounts to do that. Maybe I'll start that next week. I would start tomorrow but I think I'm going to be eating soup for a few days... Not sure though so I'm kind of leaving it up to fate and seeing how I feel.

     This morning I felt like I was failing... but tonight I feel like I know what it really feels like to fail. I let myself down, and you guys too and I'm sorry about that. I'm human. I think.

    Snow day!!

I hate today too!

     Aaah, Sunday is usually Adrians day off, but he went to work today. I'M LOSING MY MIND. Jussst.Breeaaathe. Okay, okay. I have a lot of really great stuff to share today.  I'll start with my weekly update.

     So this week again I am under my weekly calories. Few days I went over but on average I did pretty good. I need to cut back on carbs and sodium. I'll start on that tomorrow... since todays food for the day is 1.) planned and 2.) Subway.  More protein and water.  I'm not sure how the end of this week and next week will go since I'm getting my braces on Friday! I'm assuming it's going to be another week of a lot of soup and soft foods. Some people tell me it hurts a lot and some say it's not so bad and I am scared. 

     I've signed up for Daily Mile so I can track my way to my goal of 500KM in 2012. So far I'm at like 10 but I'm only counting work outs that I've done this week and on. Only because I think I just started tracking distance instead of just how long I was doing it and how many calories I've burned. I added a widget I think, to my blog. I get confused when I'm trying to do things from my Ipad so I think it's there somewhere on the side. 

     I used Walk Jog Run to track my path yesterday. I scoped out some of the trails but none of the entrances I found had paved trails and my stroller is just too hard to get down there. I guess it would just add to my work out! I ended up seeing a wolf or some weird dog like animal in the bush and got scared and ran home ( ok, I walked, really, really fast). It's so nice and sunny again today I'd love to go for another walk but I am just in such a bad mood I just want to sit and pout on my couch. I know a walk will make me feel better but when I get home it's dragging in the stroller and keeping the baby out of the road and the cats inside and getting every one undressed... gah it's such a mission. I think I might need to invest in a cheapy jogging stroller I can keep on the porch or in the shed just to make my life easier!! 

     Well... I was going to start this paragraph with an I statement, there are a lot of them in this post. I guess I am here to blog about myself. Makes me feel obnoxious. I weighed in yesterday and this morning and I am down another 2 lbs from the last time I weighed in, I think it was Monday. I am officially saying my plateau is finally done! 

     Off to make a cup of tea and breakfast. I'm actually dreading going into the kitchen because the baby has her kitchen toys out and it's a whole lot of small pieces that I usually end up stepping on and nearly killing myself, a lot of unwashed dishes because no matter how clean my kitchen is when I go to bed Adrian manages to leave a mess of crumbs and dishes on his way to work... and last of all I'm too lazy to make breakfast. Yes, it's going to be one of those days.

Hate Saturdays.

     So much to talk about today, I just don't know where to start! I'll do my weekly update tomorrow night. I was going to do it now but since I haven't planned yesterdays food yet and I haven't logged any work outs for today or tomorrow, I don't want it to be missing anything. I guess I don't have so much to say today... lots of exciting stuff I'm going to save for tomorrow though.

     I found a cool website, it's Walk Run Jog. I just moved and while I do know the area pretty well, walks just around the neighborhood just get boring. Not as boring as the treadmill, which I'm starting to dread, but boring enough. This site let me plan and save a route that is exactly 5 K and goes through the river valley. I wanted to check it out yesterday when it was beautiful out but the baby slept too long. Today is not as nice but we'll bundle up and go for a walk. I've been walking on the treadmill but it just gets SO boring, music or the TV don't keep me entertained. I don't think I burn as many calories when I'm out in the real world though, I don't have a jogging stroller so I am scared if I try to run and hit a pot hole I'll go flying face first or something. That would be the kind of thing that  happens to me.

     I've been doing great with my calories and I rearranged my macro nutrients. Actually I guess this is a great time to share another site I've been checking out. Free Dieting. It has all kinds of great calculators on it. Some articles but I'm not sure about their accuracy, there seems to be a lot of advertising on the site. I lowered my sodium from 2500 mg to 1500 mg. I've not been doing so great on that but everything else seems to be doing okay. I'm sure meals like tonight's dinner of tater tots and chicken nuggets are the reason why  but I hate Saturdays!! Sundays are my favorite though. I'll leave you with this!

BBQ-ing twins.

Oops!

    On Sunday I forgot to give you my weekly update. Which was just because I forgot, because I found syphilherpaids on my stomach. We'll get back to that later though. I also weighed in so this is perfect to add into my post for today.

 
     I'll start here with my weekly summary. 129 calories under goal which I can thank to two very easy (walking) work outs this week. Better then nothing. Monday I had a brownie, don't judge me. I also had a piece of birthday cake Sunday which I did not add in my diary but after working out a little bit which I also didn't add and finding my herpaids I think I'll let that slide. It was little, but delish. Thank you Ayla for introducing me to a new kind of hell that I hope I never have to deal with again. Aka. Chuck E Cheese's.

   Now what... more about the herpaids or should I move on to my WI. Well I'll save the best for last and tell you about the weird...thing... on my body. A few weeks ago I found a weird red lump-ish looking thing size of a dime ( I don't know the american equivalent.) I assumed it was a rash from my belt because I get them when I wear my cheap belt. The other day I was in the bath, bathing away and washing, and soaping and rinsing and scrubbing when I noticed that it grew. There's three round dry rashy lumps... I am feeling a little creeped out now and thought maybe I wore my belt and just don't remember and it made it worse. Anyways today it's not any better ( I am also wearing death belt again, it keeps my pants up the neighbors like that kind of thing.) so if it doesn't go away in a few days im going to go see a dr. I'm going to find a dr and then go see one.

Note to self: Find a family doctor.

    NOW! The good stuff. I weighed in today. 162Lbs! which would make me want to punch kittens if it had been any other day but today. Since Satan was here to visit I had gained 8 lbs so that means in just 12 days I had a 5 lbs loss, which I can thank to my diligence in tracking calories and not eating a whole tub of gummy candies. You think that would just be common sense but when Satan is living in your house common sense goes out the window until you stress yourself into syphaherpaids.


So, a 5 pound loss and possibly death growth. I'd say its a good week! If I'm stilla t 162 in 2 weeks, i might buy a gun and shoot myself.
I'll let you know how it goes.

Here I am!

    Back and more committed then ever. Not only to weight loss but about feeling better about myself in general, which lately I've realized isn't just about my weight it's about me. I'm going to walk on my treadmill today when the baby goes for a nap. I don't think I'm ready to go back to jogging just yet, but I'm feeling leaps and bounds better then a few days ago.

     I have been craving chocolate like a mad woman. I have also been eating some, but sticking with the motto moderation is key. I had a piece of chocolate cake but fit it into my calories and last night I had a fudge brownie which put me over by 9 calories but I'm willing to live with it. I've planned my meals until Sunday and it might be sad but I am excited for all of them. Tonight is (surprise, surprise) a recipe from Skinny Taste. Caramelized onion, pepper and zucchini frittata, with green beans and dempsters rosemary and olive oil bread. It might seem like a weird combo but I'm still unable to eat some foods. I tried eating salad yesterday and the chewing just made it impossible I almost cried.

     I bought some portabello mushrooms at the grocery store yesterday. Adrian said I should pick one vegetable I've never cooked with a try a new recipe so I'm thinking some kind of stuffed mushroom. I'll have to do some searching in my cook books because I think my Hungry Girl cook book has a recipe that uses one instead of a hamburger patty, I'm not quite sure. If any one has suggestions, I'm open!!

     I semi-cheated today and WI, I guess it's not really cheating since I never chose a specific day to WI again. The scale is most definitely heading back in the right direction though. Today is the 9th so I guess I'll make official WI on the 15th and the 30th. I'll probably stick with those permanently. I feel less pressure when I weigh myself every 2 weeks or so. So, hopefully that gives me enough time to get back to where I was (162 forever, right?!) or maybe if I'm really lucky something even lower.

      It's a beautiful day today! If I don't get to walk while the baby is asleep then maybe we'll go out for one in the real world a little later!

Bear with me here...

     I feel like I should start this post with a disclaimer that I am on a lot of pain meds at the moment so what I'm trying to say, and what I might end up saying could possibly be two very different things... but I'm hoping in the end it just makes sense.

     I finally was able to have a BM this morning. Which I thought would help me get a normal weight when I weighed in. Such was not the case. I weigh 167 this morning. That puts me up 8 lbs from my last official weigh in. I have no feelings about it. I'm not mad, I'm not disappointed and I'm not upset. It's just a fact. I did this to myself and this is where I am. I'm going to follow this seasons Biggest Loser Motto, No Excuses. I could say I'm having a hard time staying in my calories because I have to eat every 4 hours. I could say that I can't work out because I'm in pain. Those are excuses. It's a little more tricky for me right now, but it's not impossible. I just need to plan better, and work out but take it easy. I have lost this weight before and I can, and will, do it again plus more. A lot more.

     A few things I do need to work on:
Staying in my calories - Not only staying in them but making better choices. I've always believed that moderation is key and I still do. I've never denied myself the things I wanted but lately I have been taking advantage of that to a fault. I've been eating out more then ever and while I'll still have subway once in a while ( when I can eat it again that is) I'm saying adios to all my other favorite places for now. It was fine for a month but I'm not going to be able to get where I want if I don't make big changes.

Actually working out - Today I'm going to start by walking a few minutes on the treadmill. I know it's not much but in all honesty, it's what I can do for today. I'm going to do it every day. Start with the walking and move on from there. It's how I started and I'm not going to use being sore as an excuse. A few minutes of walking will be okay for me and when I'm feeling better I will do more, but for now I'm not going to do nothing.

Being accountable. - by this I mean tracking absolutely everything. I also posted before that I was going to start sharing my weekly calorie updates and now that I have this cool chart thing on my Ipad, I'm going to upload it every Sunday. Yes, starting today even though my last week was not on point. No point in saying I'm going to do something but not start today.

Drinking more water - I'm a little disappointed because this is something that I'm usually pretty good at! I  love drinking water! Since I can't use my favorite cup, or a straw, for the time being I have to drink out of glasses (borrrring j/k) I find that I'm not drinking nearly as much as I used to. I've also stopped drinking tea which I used to love too.  To add a bit to this,  I'm going to majorly cut back on my alcohol consumption. I know I've said that a million times before but never have. If I want to make these changes, and I seriously want to commit to losing the weight then it is what I will have to do no matter how sads it makes me.  Technically I already started since I can't drink on my meds now anyways.

Continue to support, and accept support - I haven't been reading blogs as regularly as I was, nor was I commenting on them, reading forum threads or talking to friends who I know are on the same weight loss mission as I am. I'm going to make an extra effort to reach out to friends and other bloggers and definitely ask when I feel like I need support or advice which isn't something I've been able to do much lately.

     After getting all this down, and seeing my goals and seeing what I know I need to do and knowing absolutely that I can do it, I've done it before I feel like I'm ready.  No regrets. No excuses. Just moving on and feeling excited about what the future is going to bring for me in the upcoming weeks. Perhaps I'll check around the blogger world and see if I can find any upcoming challenges that I might be able to work with.

I feel like I'm back. 100% back.

Happy days are here again!

     Well sort of. Life is finally back to normal, I'm healing well, my mother in law is GONE. Hopefully forever. The bad news is that I gained 5 pounds. I'm not sure if it's diet or cause I haven't been able to poop since Tuesday and I WI with my full clothes on after breakfast and lunch, a few days pre-TOM. Oh well, nothing that can't be fixed. I feel like I can finally  get back on track. Back to running... (soonish, a few more days I think I'll be feeling 100%) and I've already been tracking calories and staying with in them.

   Oh! To top off the week from hell, I fell down the stairs....again. I seriously don't know what is wrong with me that I can't even navigate a stair case lol. I landed on my butt and adrian caught me under my arms so i didn't hit my back again.

   After we dropped my MIL off at the airport we were driving past the store we bought our bedroom set at, when we bought it we didn't have room for the night stands so we never bought them. I decided to go in and check out the prices on them since we have the room now. I didn't buy them, but I did leave with two new couches. HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?  Anyways to make everything better our old couch WILL NOT FIT INTO THE BASEMENT. So now I have a dining room table in my basement, new couches in the TV room and my dining room has a giant couch in it. It sounds dumb but some how it seems to be working for us I'm actually thinking of leaving it like this for a while. Since I eat along most of the time I never eat at the table anyways... I'll post some pics later of the dining room.

Love love loveeee.

I feel no pain.

And not because of pain meds. Leaving to drop Satan off at the airport. Hghnon lifeeee.

Pain.

So. Much. Pain.

It's not good bye, it's see ya later.

     See ya later, food. I've been binging out of control lately and I cannot seem to quit. I don't know if its from being stressed or if my body knows I'm not going to be able to eat for days so I'm loading up as much as I can lol. I guess it doesn't really matter. After midnight tonight I don't know when I'll be able to eat again! After I'm healed life will be back to normal cause Satans leaving on Thursday. I'm having a really hard time keeping my cool these days and I keep snapping at her. Honestly, a month? Talk about over staying your welcome.

     Today I have all my calories tracked but who knows if I'll stick to them. I feel like I've given up but I know I haven't. I'm still mindful of what I'm eating and I feel guilty about what I'm eating but I feel like I can't get back to normal until she's gone! I seriously don't know how I could hate any body but after hearing the things she has to say it's like... how could anybody NOT hate her? She's a truly disgusting human being. I'm not even exaggerating. I get to hear such lovely words like "hoping for another tsunami because it didn't kill enough of the japanese people" It makes me fucking sick. Thinking about her just makes me angry.

     The plan for today is to clean my room, do my laundry, set up the TV in my room and clean my bathroom. If I'm stuck in bed for the next few days I want it to at least be comfortable lol. I even cleaned all my sweats and pj's so I don't have to worry about that haha! Bought a new nail polish too. It's going to be a great few days. G-r-e-a-t. I'm looking forward to the pain just because I can finally just be alone and not be bothered. Adrian is just great though. Last night he bought all of my favorite soups because he's a terrible cook hahaha.

Just a few...more...days... I want my life back :(

I feel like I'm giving up.

     Or that I'm going to give up, or even that I gave up. I'm so overwhelmed with my MIL being here, and being in my face all day. I could seriously strangle her. Obviously I won't but I find myself just eating, and eating a lot. I was over my calories by 1000 calories today. I'm so mortified and ashamed. I made my diary private because I was too embarrassed to publically be honest, but too committed to not log it.  I was doing so well until Satan got here that I seriously feel like I totally blew it. I don't even know how I have so much anger in my body for one person but I do. I don't know why, but I do. I WISH I DIDN'T, OOOOH BUT I DO. One.more.week. One.more.week. God Grant me the serenity... to not kill the elderly.

    Tomorrow. Back on track, no excuses. I *might* even see what I can do for a work out. I feel bad leaving and just leaving Satan here alone but I'm seriously losing my frigging mind. A work out would be a great way to get myself back on track. If I can't go to the gym then maybe a run in the basement if I put on one of her movies from 1900 it might keep her occupied for a while. I just don't like people in my space when I'm working out and she's not the type to give any body privacy. BLAH, im so over even talking about her but I feel like I can't DO anything. I'm so fucking uncomfortable in my own home.

     I'm actually surprised this post is coming out so angry. Besides all this junk everything else in my life is going pretty darn great. I'm actually feeling HAPPIER then I have in just about as long as I can remember. I'm taking more time to concentrate on the me stuff. I taught myself how to do my own make up lol. I went on a date with my husband... which ended in me puking on my suede shoes but that's a story for another day. I'm feeling such a wacky range of emotions lately.

     I've been posting but I still feel absent from my blog. Like my posts didnt' say anything, or mean anything or give me the kind of emotional release it usually does. I feel that now, maybe this weight off my shoulders will help me get through the next week.

Oh.my.god.

It stuck. My weight actually changed to 159. I'm so pumped!! Finally on the move again. Yessssss!!

I've committed

I have committed to the 159 lbs for a loss of 3 lbs today lol. Seems dumb but ivebeen there for a few days so I think it's safe to move on from here which also is means for celebration because FINALLY, some kind of change.

I know every one here is probably tired of hearing about. My teeth, but too bad amirite? Seems like blogging is my only way to keep up with some people these days. (ahem...Trina) I had my consult with the surgeon yesterday and they're taking out my wonky wisdom teeth. He said they're going to have to remove parts of the jaw bone to get to it and then section it into quarters to remove it. It does not sound pleasant. There's also two pros here, one being that I'll probably lose some extra pounds from not being able to eat, and the other being that adrianwill be taking time off work so I can stay in bed for a few days. It probably sounds dumb and I don't mean to complain at all but I don't really get much of a break from the baby so it will be nice to have a few days off, even if they're still here. Also to have some one take care of me haha. Adrian's really good at that.

I also have 2 consults with orthos to compare prices. One on the 22nd and one at the end of march. I am seriously so excited!! I'm going to just be smiling even when I'm sad lol

I should be more excited.

I weighed in again today. Down another 2, almost three, pounds. I would normally be stoked but I think I am jaded. The last few months I keep losing and regaining the same 5 pounds. I'm scared to change my ticker lest it come back. It's humiliating to go up and down so much,so publicaly too.

I'm doing pretty good with the vegetaria thing, I have to admit though I do eat chicken once every few days and today subway for lunch so ham and turkey sub cause it is my favorite lol tummy is making noises must be time for breakfast. Today is an edd salad sandwich. Sunday's are the best cause it's Adrian's only day off. I woke up, took a nice bath and now I'm updating my log from bed lol. After teak fast were going to go swimming so hopefully I'll burn a few calories since I haven't been working out.

I guess since Adrian's mom is here I could ask him to drop me off at the gym at nights but it's so far it hardly seems worth the drive...I could kill for a little alone time though lol. As along as you can be at a gym anyways. At least I could have an hour with o one chatting at me. Only like? 20 more days to go?

Oh! My ovulation and oreg Andy tests came in the mail today, but I'm still sort of undecided. I guess if we waited a few months I could still go to the Dom rep, I'd just be pregnant lol. With a 2 year old I wouldn't be doing much partying anyways. I think that may be the best idea now I just have to time it perfectly lol. Like that ever works for me. Wishful thinking I guess, that it won't take another 3 years.

I weighed in.

I'm starting to wonder what the point is, really. I'm down one pound but for how long? Any time that I have lost anything less then 162 lbs it just goes back up a few days later. Im trying to stay optimistic but it's so hard to stick with it when I've been at 162 for months! I tried upping my calories, lowering my calories, cutting out meat, low sodium, eating work out calories, and not eating them but nothing is working.

So far, so good.

The visit that is. I've been avoiding weighing myself though. I have been eating a ton of gummy candies that my mil brought so I'm actually scared of wi. I think since its a shrt month I'm going to wait until the end of February and hope for the best. I'm not working out at all.

What I am doing though, is eating vegetarian. Not because I have to, or even want to but mymil is a vegetarian so I figured why not? Worse comes to worse and it doesn't have to be forever. Best case scenario it helps me lose a few extra lbs. so far it's actually really easy even when we have eaten out. If I didn't have piles of meat in the freezer I probably wouldn't mind being a vegetarian forever lol. I do find that when I eat meat or thinking about eating meat I feel a little guilty. I will definitely be cutting down on the amount I eat, if nothing else.

Lots if real life stuff going on. We're thinking of starting to TTc for a second baby, it's not perfect timing but I'm starting to wonder if there is such a thing as perfect timing or will there always be a reason not to be pregnant or have a newborn. I just do not know.

I also have a dentist appointment tomorrow, again. I'm getting a referral to an oral surgeon to have my wisdom teeth pulled then finally booking my consultations with a few orthos and then finally my braces. Omg I am so happy lol


Oh y gosh! How could I forget. I bought a new bathing suit yesterday and it was the first store I went I to and the second one I tried on. I think I might even post pictures!

Here I am!

I bet you guys totally thought I was hit by a bus! Maybe you thought with an impending month long visit from my monster in law that I'd thrown myself in front of a bus. No such luck, suckers. I've just been a super busy asshole. You know how it is. I weighed in, Back to 162. Shocked? I wasn't.

February is definitely going to be a tough one but so far it hasn't been too bad. With the mil here to visit I cant drink. Well, I'm an adult obviously I could but then I get the side eye and her sing songy voice telling me alcohol ruins lives, or booze is the devil. Talk about a buzz kill. Oh well maybe thats what I need to get back into weight loss mode. I'm also going to put my calories back down to 1200 a day and see how that works goes.

Along with the driest month of my life I've also decided to completely cut out meat. My mil is a vegetarian and while she doesn't mind if we eat meat I figured it can't hurt to give it a go, right? I guess I am still eating meat but not at every meal, not even every day. I had a turkey sub from Subway today.

Oh! Also I'm having an allergic reaction to something I ate and I'm covered in what is now a full body rash and swollen ears. What the hell? Like this month wasn't going to be bad enough without me having to walk around with bright red jumbo ears. Give me a break!

Feeling SO good.

     So, so, SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good. I went shopping the other day and they didn't have the shirt I wanted in a large so the girl told me to try a medium and I said I'd probably have better luck with an XL. She gave me the Medium and a Large in a different color. I ended up getting both shirts in a MEDIUM. I could have pooped myself I was so happy. I can't remember the last time I needed a medium in anything!  I've been wearing make up every day which I don't usually do. I'm back to running again. I just feel so over-it. My face hurts from smiling so much for days. I'm so grateful and lucky to have my followers and a really great support system in my friends. I think blogging and finally being able to get out and say the things I've never been able to say anybody has really just let me move on in ways I didn't think I could. I'm 26 now, and I finally feel like all the pieces fit. Everything is making sense. I don't feel like a child living an adults life.

     Now, onto the not-so-great.  I'm getting braces and I've been looking forward to this for years. I'm so over the moon and sometimes I cry thinking about how stoked I am that we can finally afford to. (We have to pay out of pocket eek!) It's like getting your dream car for your birthday or something lol. The thing is, I am terrified of the dentist. Like full on anxiety attack. I can't breath, I start crying and about 90% of the time I end up cancelling my appointments. I cancelled one on Monday and Adrian told me if I want my braces I HAVE TO GO. ( I have to get all my fillings before my consultation with the ortho, then I have to go to a dental surgeon and get my wisdom teeth pulled because they're growing sideways and not upwards, then skin grafts on my gums from that stupid, stupid tongue ring I had for 10 years) In my head I want to go, and I know I need to go... but I physically do not want to go. D: It's terrifying. Any one else scared of the dentist? How do you deal?! I have an appointment for the 31st...wish me luck.

     Oh! Today is my nieces 10th birthday!! Happy Birthday Lexi!!

Bad idea.

I was feeling energetic today and thought it would be a great idea to go for a run. Since I hurt my back and then Christmas and then being sick I just never got back to it. Well it was an awful idea. My chest hurts so bad and my cough is back worse then it ever was lol. I'll try again on Monday.

Tonight in making a spicy buffalo chicken recipe from Martha Stewart and its been in the slow cooker all morning taunting me. Instead of a bun I'm going to have it on rice though with garlic bread mmm. Should be so good. If I had a bun i would try it that way but I do not. So I'll do what I want.

162

This number is haunting me. Since as long as i can remember. Though I'm glad to see it today. I had a goal of no weight ins until January 19th assuming I would have a great wi and it would make my day. This morning I debated waiting a few days because the last few days I have been pretty off base calorie wise. Last night I ate a prime rib burger with cheese and bacon. Like Adrian said, if I can't eat what I want on my birthday then it's no fun lol. So I went ahead and the burger alone was like 1300 calories but worth it for one night. I did end up weighing in and it was 162lbs, again. I'm not stoked but I thought I had gained so its good enough for me. No more cheating.

Today is my birthday and I'm getting so many great comments on my Facebook. Adrian made it extra special. I got an iPad and rye and we ordered burgers from Boston pizza. I was worried about the lasagna but because of the -45 weather here in Alberta my sister decided its probably best for them to stay home. I'm bummed because I was excited and I haven't seen her in months but it makes the
Most sense. I just hope my dad will still babysit on Saturday but I have a feeling he will cancel. Guess it depends know bad he wants to use my Internet I guess since that seems to be the only reason he's coming. Adrian took Saturday off. Probably the first one since I've known him since it's the busiest day, he makes the most money lol.

Enough about the good stuff. My
Mother in law is coming to visit in a few weeks and I am not looking forward to it. She was here the summer Nina was born and all she does is complain. Shell be here for a
Month and I am already not looking forward to it. God help me.

Noooooo

     Sicker then I was yesterday, which was sicker then the day before. I'm hating my life today. I'm spending the whole day in bed eating subway and watching The Real Housewives Of Atlanta.

Thanks everybody for wishing me well!!

Okay, I admit...

     I am a sufferer of the man-cold. I am SO whiny and right now actually hate my life and it's not even that bad. Hoping Adrian will make something for dinner... or maybe we'll order something.  Most of todays calories were used on soup and orange juice. OMGGGG why ME. I have no other updates today, I'll definitely let you guys know tomorrow that I'm not dead.

I love my friends.

     Nothing gets me out of a funk better then lunch at subway and buying tampons in bulk. I don't usually use tampons but now I have enough to supply a small village. Ayla took my costco virginity today and then we went to subway.  It feels good to get out of the house for some fun, I feel much better.

     I woke up "early" today but with trying to get ready I was distracted. I stopped and thought to myself  "Okay, I need to eat".  I hate breakfast so it kind of caught me off guard. I guess this lifestyle change is actually working.  The more I think about it, maybe I wasn't in a funk. Maybe it seemed like I was just going through the motions because I was. I'm always going to have to count calories and be mindful of what I eat but it's just not as much work as it used to be. It's just second nature now. Since I have a routine and actually know what I'm doing it doesn't take as much time and concentration.

     LIFESTYLE CHANGE. I do not know if MyFitnessPal forums have jaded me or what but every time I hear this I seriously want to punch kittens. I mean I know that's what it is but you hear something so many times and it loses meaning, that's what it's like. NO BUENO IMO.

Another day, another blog post

     Specifically another blog post just to avoid doing something I should be doing. Today I'm painting my craft room. It's all spackled and tapes and all that needs to be done is paint poured but I am scurred. I've never painted anything in my life what if it's terrible. The color is SO bright what  if it looks ridiculous?  This seemed like a great idea a few weeks ago. Now the whole idea is terrifying. I'm actually sitting in the room with my computer pretending like I'm going to start any second now... any second...

     Maybe I'll have lunch first.

Well, that explains it.

     TOM showed up today. Explains my moodiness. I put the baby down for a nap, helped my self to a pot of tea, a double sized pieces of cheesecake and an episode of four weddings. I'm also happy it won't be here for my birthday. I think I'm actually MMMM....ing outloud with every bite of cheesecake I am taking.  I had it allotted as my pm snack but decided to have it as my AM snack while the baby sleeps to make it thaaat much better.


     Life.is.good.

Sitting in the dark.

     1.) Because it was daylight when I sat down, and 2.) because if I open my curtains my house gets real, real, cold.

     Okay, now I've turned on the lights and made a cup of tea. I'm writing this post to avoid doing dishes, to avoid starting dinner. I have no idea what it is but since the new year I have been struggling. I'm procrastinating, unfocused and worst of all I'm lazy. I don't feel like myself at all. I need to regroup and come back at 100%. I felt like I want THERE a few weeks ago. I just don't know how to get it back. I constantly feel like I'm just going through motions. Maybe I'm spending too much time in the dark.

     My birthday is coming up. The big 2-6. My sisters coming from out of town and we're going to go to the casino so that should be fun. She wants me to make her lasagna but I don't think she wants my healthy version. She also wants me to bake a cake for my nieces birthday. For some reason this trip to visit me for my birthday seems like a lot of work on my part. It usually is. It will be nice though so be able to look at last years birthday pics and compare them to this years.
   
     When I look at my WI pics I take every 10lbs I honestly don't notice the difference at all. That worries me, because of my relationship with food. I'm always walking a very thin line. I've been extremes on both ends of eating way too much, and not eating nearly enough. I'm starting to realize that it's never going to be easy and that every time I eat I'm making a choice about where I want to be. It's going to be like this forever because I can't give up. If I give up there's two ways for me to go and neither of them are heading in a good direction. There's a girl I know who has been struggling with an eating disorder and right now she's giving up. I feel awful because I know how she feels and I know what she's going through. I can give her all the advice and talk her ear off but how can I help anybody when I'm struggling so hard to help myself? I thought about showing her my blog but I don't have the courage to do that. Most of the stuff I write here are things I am too scared to share with people in real life, or people in general.

    Well this took a depressing turn! Onwards! To more positive things!! Tonight I'm making ANOTHER skinny taste recipe. This website is like my bible now. So hope that's good! Thx for listenin to me whine guys lol. Maybe I should have made a resolution to be more positive this year!

Day 2, of the rest of my life.

     I could call it day one since day one was actually spent in bed watching old episodes of degrassi and hating my life, but I won't because that was a great start to my new year considering I had a mega-hangover. New years was fun, stayed in and drank much too much champagne. I didn't get around to doing the things I was going to yesterday via I did not leave my bed for anything besides a cheese string and to pee. That's fine because day 2 is just as good as day one says this guy!

     I've been thinking about my pictures to document my weight loss and all I keep thinking is omg what should I wear?! I have some just awful pictures in a sports bra and sweats from my highest weight and I just don't think I am willing to share those. I mean it made sense when I assumed I'd loose the weight and look great in a sports bra and sweats but that is not the case as of yet. Maybe I'll just start with new ones now and keep those for a grand finale. I also have some virtual pictures that I've been doing but those models i mean they just don't have my body type. Even at 182 lbs they don't have loose skin or stretchmarks  or love handles like I do! I will take pictures and post them today.

     So my official weight as of today is 162lbs. I expected that though. I feel the need to explain myself, but I won't. No excuses! I've updated everything and I'm not looking at this like a setback because I don't think I should have changed my sticker those last few pounds to begin with because I had a feeling I would gain the weight back and quickly.

     I'm looking forward to this year. I'm hoping the new years and all of the new years resolutions to lose weight brings new blogs and new followers for me. I'll edit this post to add my pics when I take them during nap time!!

I wish I had a better mirror for taking pics, I could have used the timer but then I feel so awkward and I wonder wtf do I do with my hands, what about my feet, do i look into the camera should i look away i should have done my make up... this... is easier. I just hate those lines!