Friday, January 6, 2012

Sitting in the dark.

     1.) Because it was daylight when I sat down, and 2.) because if I open my curtains my house gets real, real, cold.

     Okay, now I've turned on the lights and made a cup of tea. I'm writing this post to avoid doing dishes, to avoid starting dinner. I have no idea what it is but since the new year I have been struggling. I'm procrastinating, unfocused and worst of all I'm lazy. I don't feel like myself at all. I need to regroup and come back at 100%. I felt like I want THERE a few weeks ago. I just don't know how to get it back. I constantly feel like I'm just going through motions. Maybe I'm spending too much time in the dark.

     My birthday is coming up. The big 2-6. My sisters coming from out of town and we're going to go to the casino so that should be fun. She wants me to make her lasagna but I don't think she wants my healthy version. She also wants me to bake a cake for my nieces birthday. For some reason this trip to visit me for my birthday seems like a lot of work on my part. It usually is. It will be nice though so be able to look at last years birthday pics and compare them to this years.
     When I look at my WI pics I take every 10lbs I honestly don't notice the difference at all. That worries me, because of my relationship with food. I'm always walking a very thin line. I've been extremes on both ends of eating way too much, and not eating nearly enough. I'm starting to realize that it's never going to be easy and that every time I eat I'm making a choice about where I want to be. It's going to be like this forever because I can't give up. If I give up there's two ways for me to go and neither of them are heading in a good direction. There's a girl I know who has been struggling with an eating disorder and right now she's giving up. I feel awful because I know how she feels and I know what she's going through. I can give her all the advice and talk her ear off but how can I help anybody when I'm struggling so hard to help myself? I thought about showing her my blog but I don't have the courage to do that. Most of the stuff I write here are things I am too scared to share with people in real life, or people in general.

    Well this took a depressing turn! Onwards! To more positive things!! Tonight I'm making ANOTHER skinny taste recipe. This website is like my bible now. So hope that's good! Thx for listenin to me whine guys lol. Maybe I should have made a resolution to be more positive this year!


  1. Maybe you really need a break? Give yourself a few days off, just sit and try to find out what you want to do right now. Read a book? Watch a chick flic? Go for a walk? Talk to someone on the phone? We all need them every now and again. Afterwards you will have the energy necessary to continue on your path.

    As for "healthy" eating, with family or without - if your sister does not want your healthy lasagna, tough luck for her. Whenever my family comes over, I make healthy dishes that are delicious and will be enjoyed by grown-ups and children alike, and so far it worked out fine every time. (I've still got about half a dozen requests for recipes to be sent to my sisters.) And for your everyday life - do you have a list (mental or written) of the things we are "supposed" to eat every day, for good health and such? I find if I follow these lists, I am not hungry and there is not much room for unhealthy choices.

    (My list contains 2 servings of nuts, one serving of berries, 2 servings of dairy, at least one other serving of fruit, 3-5 servings of vegetables, 1-2 servings of protein and 1-2 servings of whole grain, with a little oil for my joints and skin. The choices I can make within this list make sure it never gets boring, and it has been pretty easy to follow.)

  2. Make the healthy lasagne, Kim will understand! and if she doesn't.. she can make her own food lol

    I wish we could both get out of this funk we are in :(
    Maybe we need a gym date again!?

  3. I am kind of in the same funk Sab, I don't know what it is either... We will get out of it.