Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Exercise is boring.

     I just logged yesterdays work out on Daily Mile and I always choose "Blah" as my mood when I have to work out on the treadmill. I was like it's just SO boring. Then I turned on biggest loser and what do you know... this weeks theme. I swear they can read my mind! I'm still working on it though, that has to count for something! Thus far I'm at 3km/15km for this week, and 20.75 km/500km for the year. I'm going to be doing a lot of walking tomorrow I wish I had a way to track my distance then! I'd also love to go swimming this week but it's Spring Break and I do not enjoy fighting the crowds, maybe next week. I think I'm going to order zumba for my Wii fit. I got it for Christmas and haven't used it.

    What I decided to do in the end calorie wise was up my calories to 1385 but I'm aiming to stick between 1385-1400.  It's my BMR, minus 500 calories for a loss of 1lb a week. Ive thought about eating the 1885 but I  don't think, mentally, that I can do that. Not yet anyways.

This morning I was 161 lbs, but I'm so over the scale. I hate fighting with it. Every day I hop on and think YES TODAYS GOING TO BE.....162. it's always 162. When it's not... it goes back to 162. So tonight I'm putting the scale in the shed so I'll stop weighing myself because I'm tired of the disappointment!!

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Brace Face

     Thank you to eeeverybody, that commented or messaged me about my last post. I had no idea that so many people followed my blog that I didn't even know about. I appreciate everything that you had to say. I was really angry with myself but today I'm okay. I woke up excited and while I haven't been doing so well food wise lately I'm feeling better emotionally then I was that day and I'll get back  into the swing of things. I still am thinking about my game plan... what I want and need to do. I think Katy is right, I'm going to eat calories accoring to my BMR and then I am going to also carry on with my 15K/week challenge with Ayla. I feel leaps and bounds better and I want to say thank you to every one who follows me and definitely a special thanks to Andraea, Katy, and Ayla.  They seem to have a special knack for picking me up when I feel at my lowest with out knowing it.

     I logged everything on mfp and I was going to make my diary private, but I didn't. I even brought attention to the fact I went over my calories. I didn't know how people would react or what they would have to say but I felt like I needed them to know, I needed them to comment and acknowledge that they saw it and not just not say anything.  I don't know why I felt like that but people always comment on "good days" or when I log in for 285 days so I kind of feel like I needed to know what they thought when I had a bad day. I am happy that they seemed to know and understand. They didn't have anything rude to say just basically to pick myself up by my boot straps and carry on, but at the same time not saying that it was okay.

    I'm okay, I'm not doing well with food or working out. I had pizza last night and im going to have fries with my dinner tonight but I'm okay with this tonight. Tomorrow I'm sticking to the plan and going to start working on my 15K.  I'm feeling good about this week, and the future in general.

     I haven't come far weight wise, but my life, my attitude has changed leaps and bounds in the last year. Emotionally I have come so far and I can feel the difference. I love my life. I'm not depressed. I look forward to getting out of bed I feel better in my marriage and as a mother and as a person in general. I had a bad day last week, but the support and love I felt afterwards was something I didn't think I'd ever feel. I don't have much of a family, and I don't have many friends... but I am SO lucky, and so grateful for the people in my life. Virtual or otherwise. Thanks everybody!!


Friday, March 23, 2012

Roller Coaster

     My mind was really everywhere today. I don't know why. I kind of thought I would take a break... but then I broke. I binged like I've never seen food before. I ate 2810 calories today. Over my limit by 1610 calories which is more then double my daily calorie goals.  Honestly I don't know where I stand now. My weight drops and then back to 162. I gain then back to 162. I'm so just over it. I'm mad. I'm annoyed. I've tried upping my calories, working out, not working out, eating work out calories and not eating work out calories. I am so frustrated. I'm ready to just quit. What the fuck is the point if nothing fucking works?  Why put in so much time and effort just to get the same results then if I had done nothing at all.

     Then I thought why not just purge it all. Then I'm in control again. Then I can eat what I want and I can do what I want to. Then it's like I didn't mess up. I can quite literally have my cake and eat it too. It's been a long time since my minds gone there. I didn't purge. What I did do was track every single thing I ate today and looked at it. It's there and no amount of throwing it up is going to hide it. There for the world to see that I ate it. I messed up. I make mistakes too. I don't have it easy, I don't just tra lalala down the street losing all the weight I want. I wish I did.

    Right now... I'm just thinking tomorrows another day. Another chance to start over and leave everything from today behind... but I won't. I'll wake up, I'll weigh myself, I'll poke my fat and grab my stomach rolls and  pull at my loose skin and hate myself for everything I ate today. I'll sigh, and I'll get dressed and I'll pretend like it never happened. That's just what I do.

     Even then, tomorrow is a great day for a new start. I'm getting my braces put on. It's supposed to be an exciting day for me... but now I feel like it's tainted. I'm going to be upset with myself. What I need to do today, is just review the points I made a few days ago, and come up with a game plan. Clearly 1200 calories a day isn't working for me. 1300 calories a day didn't do anything. So now I feel like I have 2 options. I can restrict my calories even more which I'm worried if I do will lead to another binge, but maybe not since I had been doing pretty well for so long. Over 280 days I've been tracking every.single.thing that I put into my mouth. Down to my ex-lax. ( 30 calories?!?? Seriously??!) I'm still the same weight I was at the beginning of  December.  Anyways like i was saying I can either restrict more which I don't think is the right answer, or I can try zig-zagging my calories. I found a site that will give me the amounts to do that. Maybe I'll start that next week. I would start tomorrow but I think I'm going to be eating soup for a few days... Not sure though so I'm kind of leaving it up to fate and seeing how I feel.

     This morning I felt like I was failing... but tonight I feel like I know what it really feels like to fail. I let myself down, and you guys too and I'm sorry about that. I'm human. I think.

    Snow day!!

Sunday, March 18, 2012

I hate today too!

     Aaah, Sunday is usually Adrians day off, but he went to work today. I'M LOSING MY MIND. Jussst.Breeaaathe. Okay, okay. I have a lot of really great stuff to share today.  I'll start with my weekly update.

     So this week again I am under my weekly calories. Few days I went over but on average I did pretty good. I need to cut back on carbs and sodium. I'll start on that tomorrow... since todays food for the day is 1.) planned and 2.) Subway.  More protein and water.  I'm not sure how the end of this week and next week will go since I'm getting my braces on Friday! I'm assuming it's going to be another week of a lot of soup and soft foods. Some people tell me it hurts a lot and some say it's not so bad and I am scared. 

     I've signed up for Daily Mile so I can track my way to my goal of 500KM in 2012. So far I'm at like 10 but I'm only counting work outs that I've done this week and on. Only because I think I just started tracking distance instead of just how long I was doing it and how many calories I've burned. I added a widget I think, to my blog. I get confused when I'm trying to do things from my Ipad so I think it's there somewhere on the side. 

     I used Walk Jog Run to track my path yesterday. I scoped out some of the trails but none of the entrances I found had paved trails and my stroller is just too hard to get down there. I guess it would just add to my work out! I ended up seeing a wolf or some weird dog like animal in the bush and got scared and ran home ( ok, I walked, really, really fast). It's so nice and sunny again today I'd love to go for another walk but I am just in such a bad mood I just want to sit and pout on my couch. I know a walk will make me feel better but when I get home it's dragging in the stroller and keeping the baby out of the road and the cats inside and getting every one undressed... gah it's such a mission. I think I might need to invest in a cheapy jogging stroller I can keep on the porch or in the shed just to make my life easier!! 

     Well... I was going to start this paragraph with an I statement, there are a lot of them in this post. I guess I am here to blog about myself. Makes me feel obnoxious. I weighed in yesterday and this morning and I am down another 2 lbs from the last time I weighed in, I think it was Monday. I am officially saying my plateau is finally done! 

     Off to make a cup of tea and breakfast. I'm actually dreading going into the kitchen because the baby has her kitchen toys out and it's a whole lot of small pieces that I usually end up stepping on and nearly killing myself, a lot of unwashed dishes because no matter how clean my kitchen is when I go to bed Adrian manages to leave a mess of crumbs and dishes on his way to work... and last of all I'm too lazy to make breakfast. Yes, it's going to be one of those days.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Hate Saturdays.

     So much to talk about today, I just don't know where to start! I'll do my weekly update tomorrow night. I was going to do it now but since I haven't planned yesterdays food yet and I haven't logged any work outs for today or tomorrow, I don't want it to be missing anything. I guess I don't have so much to say today... lots of exciting stuff I'm going to save for tomorrow though.

     I found a cool website, it's Walk Run Jog. I just moved and while I do know the area pretty well, walks just around the neighborhood just get boring. Not as boring as the treadmill, which I'm starting to dread, but boring enough. This site let me plan and save a route that is exactly 5 K and goes through the river valley. I wanted to check it out yesterday when it was beautiful out but the baby slept too long. Today is not as nice but we'll bundle up and go for a walk. I've been walking on the treadmill but it just gets SO boring, music or the TV don't keep me entertained. I don't think I burn as many calories when I'm out in the real world though, I don't have a jogging stroller so I am scared if I try to run and hit a pot hole I'll go flying face first or something. That would be the kind of thing that  happens to me.

     I've been doing great with my calories and I rearranged my macro nutrients. Actually I guess this is a great time to share another site I've been checking out. Free Dieting. It has all kinds of great calculators on it. Some articles but I'm not sure about their accuracy, there seems to be a lot of advertising on the site. I lowered my sodium from 2500 mg to 1500 mg. I've not been doing so great on that but everything else seems to be doing okay. I'm sure meals like tonight's dinner of tater tots and chicken nuggets are the reason why  but I hate Saturdays!! Sundays are my favorite though. I'll leave you with this!

BBQ-ing twins.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012


    On Sunday I forgot to give you my weekly update. Which was just because I forgot, because I found syphilherpaids on my stomach. We'll get back to that later though. I also weighed in so this is perfect to add into my post for today.

     I'll start here with my weekly summary. 129 calories under goal which I can thank to two very easy (walking) work outs this week. Better then nothing. Monday I had a brownie, don't judge me. I also had a piece of birthday cake Sunday which I did not add in my diary but after working out a little bit which I also didn't add and finding my herpaids I think I'll let that slide. It was little, but delish. Thank you Ayla for introducing me to a new kind of hell that I hope I never have to deal with again. Aka. Chuck E Cheese's.

   Now what... more about the herpaids or should I move on to my WI. Well I'll save the best for last and tell you about the weird...thing... on my body. A few weeks ago I found a weird red lump-ish looking thing size of a dime ( I don't know the american equivalent.) I assumed it was a rash from my belt because I get them when I wear my cheap belt. The other day I was in the bath, bathing away and washing, and soaping and rinsing and scrubbing when I noticed that it grew. There's three round dry rashy lumps... I am feeling a little creeped out now and thought maybe I wore my belt and just don't remember and it made it worse. Anyways today it's not any better ( I am also wearing death belt again, it keeps my pants up the neighbors like that kind of thing.) so if it doesn't go away in a few days im going to go see a dr. I'm going to find a dr and then go see one.

Note to self: Find a family doctor.

    NOW! The good stuff. I weighed in today. 162Lbs! which would make me want to punch kittens if it had been any other day but today. Since Satan was here to visit I had gained 8 lbs so that means in just 12 days I had a 5 lbs loss, which I can thank to my diligence in tracking calories and not eating a whole tub of gummy candies. You think that would just be common sense but when Satan is living in your house common sense goes out the window until you stress yourself into syphaherpaids.

So, a 5 pound loss and possibly death growth. I'd say its a good week! If I'm stilla t 162 in 2 weeks, i might buy a gun and shoot myself.
I'll let you know how it goes.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Here I am!

    Back and more committed then ever. Not only to weight loss but about feeling better about myself in general, which lately I've realized isn't just about my weight it's about me. I'm going to walk on my treadmill today when the baby goes for a nap. I don't think I'm ready to go back to jogging just yet, but I'm feeling leaps and bounds better then a few days ago.

     I have been craving chocolate like a mad woman. I have also been eating some, but sticking with the motto moderation is key. I had a piece of chocolate cake but fit it into my calories and last night I had a fudge brownie which put me over by 9 calories but I'm willing to live with it. I've planned my meals until Sunday and it might be sad but I am excited for all of them. Tonight is (surprise, surprise) a recipe from Skinny Taste. Caramelized onion, pepper and zucchini frittata, with green beans and dempsters rosemary and olive oil bread. It might seem like a weird combo but I'm still unable to eat some foods. I tried eating salad yesterday and the chewing just made it impossible I almost cried.

     I bought some portabello mushrooms at the grocery store yesterday. Adrian said I should pick one vegetable I've never cooked with a try a new recipe so I'm thinking some kind of stuffed mushroom. I'll have to do some searching in my cook books because I think my Hungry Girl cook book has a recipe that uses one instead of a hamburger patty, I'm not quite sure. If any one has suggestions, I'm open!!

     I semi-cheated today and WI, I guess it's not really cheating since I never chose a specific day to WI again. The scale is most definitely heading back in the right direction though. Today is the 9th so I guess I'll make official WI on the 15th and the 30th. I'll probably stick with those permanently. I feel less pressure when I weigh myself every 2 weeks or so. So, hopefully that gives me enough time to get back to where I was (162 forever, right?!) or maybe if I'm really lucky something even lower.

      It's a beautiful day today! If I don't get to walk while the baby is asleep then maybe we'll go out for one in the real world a little later!

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Bear with me here...

     I feel like I should start this post with a disclaimer that I am on a lot of pain meds at the moment so what I'm trying to say, and what I might end up saying could possibly be two very different things... but I'm hoping in the end it just makes sense.

     I finally was able to have a BM this morning. Which I thought would help me get a normal weight when I weighed in. Such was not the case. I weigh 167 this morning. That puts me up 8 lbs from my last official weigh in. I have no feelings about it. I'm not mad, I'm not disappointed and I'm not upset. It's just a fact. I did this to myself and this is where I am. I'm going to follow this seasons Biggest Loser Motto, No Excuses. I could say I'm having a hard time staying in my calories because I have to eat every 4 hours. I could say that I can't work out because I'm in pain. Those are excuses. It's a little more tricky for me right now, but it's not impossible. I just need to plan better, and work out but take it easy. I have lost this weight before and I can, and will, do it again plus more. A lot more.

     A few things I do need to work on:
Staying in my calories - Not only staying in them but making better choices. I've always believed that moderation is key and I still do. I've never denied myself the things I wanted but lately I have been taking advantage of that to a fault. I've been eating out more then ever and while I'll still have subway once in a while ( when I can eat it again that is) I'm saying adios to all my other favorite places for now. It was fine for a month but I'm not going to be able to get where I want if I don't make big changes.

Actually working out - Today I'm going to start by walking a few minutes on the treadmill. I know it's not much but in all honesty, it's what I can do for today. I'm going to do it every day. Start with the walking and move on from there. It's how I started and I'm not going to use being sore as an excuse. A few minutes of walking will be okay for me and when I'm feeling better I will do more, but for now I'm not going to do nothing.

Being accountable. - by this I mean tracking absolutely everything. I also posted before that I was going to start sharing my weekly calorie updates and now that I have this cool chart thing on my Ipad, I'm going to upload it every Sunday. Yes, starting today even though my last week was not on point. No point in saying I'm going to do something but not start today.

Drinking more water - I'm a little disappointed because this is something that I'm usually pretty good at! I  love drinking water! Since I can't use my favorite cup, or a straw, for the time being I have to drink out of glasses (borrrring j/k) I find that I'm not drinking nearly as much as I used to. I've also stopped drinking tea which I used to love too.  To add a bit to this,  I'm going to majorly cut back on my alcohol consumption. I know I've said that a million times before but never have. If I want to make these changes, and I seriously want to commit to losing the weight then it is what I will have to do no matter how sads it makes me.  Technically I already started since I can't drink on my meds now anyways.

Continue to support, and accept support - I haven't been reading blogs as regularly as I was, nor was I commenting on them, reading forum threads or talking to friends who I know are on the same weight loss mission as I am. I'm going to make an extra effort to reach out to friends and other bloggers and definitely ask when I feel like I need support or advice which isn't something I've been able to do much lately.

     After getting all this down, and seeing my goals and seeing what I know I need to do and knowing absolutely that I can do it, I've done it before I feel like I'm ready.  No regrets. No excuses. Just moving on and feeling excited about what the future is going to bring for me in the upcoming weeks. Perhaps I'll check around the blogger world and see if I can find any upcoming challenges that I might be able to work with.

I feel like I'm back. 100% back.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Happy days are here again!

     Well sort of. Life is finally back to normal, I'm healing well, my mother in law is GONE. Hopefully forever. The bad news is that I gained 5 pounds. I'm not sure if it's diet or cause I haven't been able to poop since Tuesday and I WI with my full clothes on after breakfast and lunch, a few days pre-TOM. Oh well, nothing that can't be fixed. I feel like I can finally  get back on track. Back to running... (soonish, a few more days I think I'll be feeling 100%) and I've already been tracking calories and staying with in them.

   Oh! To top off the week from hell, I fell down the stairs....again. I seriously don't know what is wrong with me that I can't even navigate a stair case lol. I landed on my butt and adrian caught me under my arms so i didn't hit my back again.

   After we dropped my MIL off at the airport we were driving past the store we bought our bedroom set at, when we bought it we didn't have room for the night stands so we never bought them. I decided to go in and check out the prices on them since we have the room now. I didn't buy them, but I did leave with two new couches. HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?  Anyways to make everything better our old couch WILL NOT FIT INTO THE BASEMENT. So now I have a dining room table in my basement, new couches in the TV room and my dining room has a giant couch in it. It sounds dumb but some how it seems to be working for us I'm actually thinking of leaving it like this for a while. Since I eat along most of the time I never eat at the table anyways... I'll post some pics later of the dining room.

Love love loveeee.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

I feel no pain.

And not because of pain meds. Leaving to drop Satan off at the airport. Hghnon lifeeee.