Pain.

So. Much. Pain.

It's not good bye, it's see ya later.

     See ya later, food. I've been binging out of control lately and I cannot seem to quit. I don't know if its from being stressed or if my body knows I'm not going to be able to eat for days so I'm loading up as much as I can lol. I guess it doesn't really matter. After midnight tonight I don't know when I'll be able to eat again! After I'm healed life will be back to normal cause Satans leaving on Thursday. I'm having a really hard time keeping my cool these days and I keep snapping at her. Honestly, a month? Talk about over staying your welcome.

     Today I have all my calories tracked but who knows if I'll stick to them. I feel like I've given up but I know I haven't. I'm still mindful of what I'm eating and I feel guilty about what I'm eating but I feel like I can't get back to normal until she's gone! I seriously don't know how I could hate any body but after hearing the things she has to say it's like... how could anybody NOT hate her? She's a truly disgusting human being. I'm not even exaggerating. I get to hear such lovely words like "hoping for another tsunami because it didn't kill enough of the japanese people" It makes me fucking sick. Thinking about her just makes me angry.

     The plan for today is to clean my room, do my laundry, set up the TV in my room and clean my bathroom. If I'm stuck in bed for the next few days I want it to at least be comfortable lol. I even cleaned all my sweats and pj's so I don't have to worry about that haha! Bought a new nail polish too. It's going to be a great few days. G-r-e-a-t. I'm looking forward to the pain just because I can finally just be alone and not be bothered. Adrian is just great though. Last night he bought all of my favorite soups because he's a terrible cook hahaha.

Just a few...more...days... I want my life back :(

I feel like I'm giving up.

     Or that I'm going to give up, or even that I gave up. I'm so overwhelmed with my MIL being here, and being in my face all day. I could seriously strangle her. Obviously I won't but I find myself just eating, and eating a lot. I was over my calories by 1000 calories today. I'm so mortified and ashamed. I made my diary private because I was too embarrassed to publically be honest, but too committed to not log it.  I was doing so well until Satan got here that I seriously feel like I totally blew it. I don't even know how I have so much anger in my body for one person but I do. I don't know why, but I do. I WISH I DIDN'T, OOOOH BUT I DO. One.more.week. One.more.week. God Grant me the serenity... to not kill the elderly.

    Tomorrow. Back on track, no excuses. I *might* even see what I can do for a work out. I feel bad leaving and just leaving Satan here alone but I'm seriously losing my frigging mind. A work out would be a great way to get myself back on track. If I can't go to the gym then maybe a run in the basement if I put on one of her movies from 1900 it might keep her occupied for a while. I just don't like people in my space when I'm working out and she's not the type to give any body privacy. BLAH, im so over even talking about her but I feel like I can't DO anything. I'm so fucking uncomfortable in my own home.

     I'm actually surprised this post is coming out so angry. Besides all this junk everything else in my life is going pretty darn great. I'm actually feeling HAPPIER then I have in just about as long as I can remember. I'm taking more time to concentrate on the me stuff. I taught myself how to do my own make up lol. I went on a date with my husband... which ended in me puking on my suede shoes but that's a story for another day. I'm feeling such a wacky range of emotions lately.

     I've been posting but I still feel absent from my blog. Like my posts didnt' say anything, or mean anything or give me the kind of emotional release it usually does. I feel that now, maybe this weight off my shoulders will help me get through the next week.

Oh.my.god.

It stuck. My weight actually changed to 159. I'm so pumped!! Finally on the move again. Yessssss!!

I've committed

I have committed to the 159 lbs for a loss of 3 lbs today lol. Seems dumb but ivebeen there for a few days so I think it's safe to move on from here which also is means for celebration because FINALLY, some kind of change.

I know every one here is probably tired of hearing about. My teeth, but too bad amirite? Seems like blogging is my only way to keep up with some people these days. (ahem...Trina) I had my consult with the surgeon yesterday and they're taking out my wonky wisdom teeth. He said they're going to have to remove parts of the jaw bone to get to it and then section it into quarters to remove it. It does not sound pleasant. There's also two pros here, one being that I'll probably lose some extra pounds from not being able to eat, and the other being that adrianwill be taking time off work so I can stay in bed for a few days. It probably sounds dumb and I don't mean to complain at all but I don't really get much of a break from the baby so it will be nice to have a few days off, even if they're still here. Also to have some one take care of me haha. Adrian's really good at that.

I also have 2 consults with orthos to compare prices. One on the 22nd and one at the end of march. I am seriously so excited!! I'm going to just be smiling even when I'm sad lol

I should be more excited.

I weighed in again today. Down another 2, almost three, pounds. I would normally be stoked but I think I am jaded. The last few months I keep losing and regaining the same 5 pounds. I'm scared to change my ticker lest it come back. It's humiliating to go up and down so much,so publicaly too.

I'm doing pretty good with the vegetaria thing, I have to admit though I do eat chicken once every few days and today subway for lunch so ham and turkey sub cause it is my favorite lol tummy is making noises must be time for breakfast. Today is an edd salad sandwich. Sunday's are the best cause it's Adrian's only day off. I woke up, took a nice bath and now I'm updating my log from bed lol. After teak fast were going to go swimming so hopefully I'll burn a few calories since I haven't been working out.

I guess since Adrian's mom is here I could ask him to drop me off at the gym at nights but it's so far it hardly seems worth the drive...I could kill for a little alone time though lol. As along as you can be at a gym anyways. At least I could have an hour with o one chatting at me. Only like? 20 more days to go?

Oh! My ovulation and oreg Andy tests came in the mail today, but I'm still sort of undecided. I guess if we waited a few months I could still go to the Dom rep, I'd just be pregnant lol. With a 2 year old I wouldn't be doing much partying anyways. I think that may be the best idea now I just have to time it perfectly lol. Like that ever works for me. Wishful thinking I guess, that it won't take another 3 years.

I weighed in.

I'm starting to wonder what the point is, really. I'm down one pound but for how long? Any time that I have lost anything less then 162 lbs it just goes back up a few days later. Im trying to stay optimistic but it's so hard to stick with it when I've been at 162 for months! I tried upping my calories, lowering my calories, cutting out meat, low sodium, eating work out calories, and not eating them but nothing is working.

So far, so good.

The visit that is. I've been avoiding weighing myself though. I have been eating a ton of gummy candies that my mil brought so I'm actually scared of wi. I think since its a shrt month I'm going to wait until the end of February and hope for the best. I'm not working out at all.

What I am doing though, is eating vegetarian. Not because I have to, or even want to but mymil is a vegetarian so I figured why not? Worse comes to worse and it doesn't have to be forever. Best case scenario it helps me lose a few extra lbs. so far it's actually really easy even when we have eaten out. If I didn't have piles of meat in the freezer I probably wouldn't mind being a vegetarian forever lol. I do find that when I eat meat or thinking about eating meat I feel a little guilty. I will definitely be cutting down on the amount I eat, if nothing else.

Lots if real life stuff going on. We're thinking of starting to TTc for a second baby, it's not perfect timing but I'm starting to wonder if there is such a thing as perfect timing or will there always be a reason not to be pregnant or have a newborn. I just do not know.

I also have a dentist appointment tomorrow, again. I'm getting a referral to an oral surgeon to have my wisdom teeth pulled then finally booking my consultations with a few orthos and then finally my braces. Omg I am so happy lol


Oh y gosh! How could I forget. I bought a new bathing suit yesterday and it was the first store I went I to and the second one I tried on. I think I might even post pictures!

Here I am!

I bet you guys totally thought I was hit by a bus! Maybe you thought with an impending month long visit from my monster in law that I'd thrown myself in front of a bus. No such luck, suckers. I've just been a super busy asshole. You know how it is. I weighed in, Back to 162. Shocked? I wasn't.

February is definitely going to be a tough one but so far it hasn't been too bad. With the mil here to visit I cant drink. Well, I'm an adult obviously I could but then I get the side eye and her sing songy voice telling me alcohol ruins lives, or booze is the devil. Talk about a buzz kill. Oh well maybe thats what I need to get back into weight loss mode. I'm also going to put my calories back down to 1200 a day and see how that works goes.

Along with the driest month of my life I've also decided to completely cut out meat. My mil is a vegetarian and while she doesn't mind if we eat meat I figured it can't hurt to give it a go, right? I guess I am still eating meat but not at every meal, not even every day. I had a turkey sub from Subway today.

Oh! Also I'm having an allergic reaction to something I ate and I'm covered in what is now a full body rash and swollen ears. What the hell? Like this month wasn't going to be bad enough without me having to walk around with bright red jumbo ears. Give me a break!