Then I thought why not just purge it all. Then I'm in control again. Then I can eat what I want and I can do what I want to. Then it's like I didn't mess up. I can quite literally have my cake and eat it too. It's been a long time since my minds gone there. I didn't purge. What I did do was track every single thing I ate today and looked at it. It's there and no amount of throwing it up is going to hide it. There for the world to see that I ate it. I messed up. I make mistakes too. I don't have it easy, I don't just tra lalala down the street losing all the weight I want. I wish I did.
Right now... I'm just thinking tomorrows another day. Another chance to start over and leave everything from today behind... but I won't. I'll wake up, I'll weigh myself, I'll poke my fat and grab my stomach rolls and pull at my loose skin and hate myself for everything I ate today. I'll sigh, and I'll get dressed and I'll pretend like it never happened. That's just what I do.
Even then, tomorrow is a great day for a new start. I'm getting my braces put on. It's supposed to be an exciting day for me... but now I feel like it's tainted. I'm going to be upset with myself. What I need to do today, is just review the points I made a few days ago, and come up with a game plan. Clearly 1200 calories a day isn't working for me. 1300 calories a day didn't do anything. So now I feel like I have 2 options. I can restrict my calories even more which I'm worried if I do will lead to another binge, but maybe not since I had been doing pretty well for so long. Over 280 days I've been tracking every.single.thing that I put into my mouth. Down to my ex-lax. ( 30 calories?!?? Seriously??!) I'm still the same weight I was at the beginning of December. Anyways like i was saying I can either restrict more which I don't think is the right answer, or I can try zig-zagging my calories. I found a site that will give me the amounts to do that. Maybe I'll start that next week. I would start tomorrow but I think I'm going to be eating soup for a few days... Not sure though so I'm kind of leaving it up to fate and seeing how I feel.
This morning I felt like I was failing... but tonight I feel like I know what it really feels like to fail. I let myself down, and you guys too and I'm sorry about that. I'm human. I think.
Snow day!!
I hope you are feeling more in control today.
ReplyDeleteI think you should be uppiing your calorie intake. I know its a scary thought, but have you actually tried it? And if so how long did you try it for?
and um.. ex-lax?
I have definitely felt like going back to my purging days also. but in the end its too scary for me, I NEED to be alive and thats one sure way to lead to all kinds of health issues.. sure we'd be skinny, but at what cost? Not worth it!
I really hope you feel stronger today. And you should be proud of yourself that you are able to actually face the issue and track what you actually ate.. I know when I do bad I never track it.
I LOVE YOU!
Weeklong the ex lax was when the t3s made me constipated a few weeks ago. I hadnt pooped in like 2 weeks lol. I feel so so so much better today. My food choices aren't great but I'm on soft foods,again. Bt under my calories so far
ReplyDeleteOhh, yeah I have heard t3's will do that :S
ReplyDeleteI knew you'd feel better today :)
you should try it works wraps.
ReplyDeleteI lost so many inches and all my stretch marks :) It's not very expensive either. All natural too!
Aww Sabrina,
ReplyDeleteEverything Ayla said is the exact thing I was going to say.
When I am bad, I just stop tracking things, which is so bad imo. At least you hold yourself accountable and I admire that SOOOO much! We all have bad days (for me it was almost a month :S) but we get back into it because we have to. You have done SO well! I agree that maybe try upping your calories above your BMR for a while, few weeks maybe, if that doesn't work, then maybe try zig zagging. Something has got to give with this plateau! You can do it! Don't give up!
Also, Im sorry I haven't been around the blogs, I feel bad for not reading or commenting lately. We are supposed to be supporting, but I've fallin away.
/shitty person