Friday, March 23, 2012

Roller Coaster

     My mind was really everywhere today. I don't know why. I kind of thought I would take a break... but then I broke. I binged like I've never seen food before. I ate 2810 calories today. Over my limit by 1610 calories which is more then double my daily calorie goals.  Honestly I don't know where I stand now. My weight drops and then back to 162. I gain then back to 162. I'm so just over it. I'm mad. I'm annoyed. I've tried upping my calories, working out, not working out, eating work out calories and not eating work out calories. I am so frustrated. I'm ready to just quit. What the fuck is the point if nothing fucking works?  Why put in so much time and effort just to get the same results then if I had done nothing at all.

     Then I thought why not just purge it all. Then I'm in control again. Then I can eat what I want and I can do what I want to. Then it's like I didn't mess up. I can quite literally have my cake and eat it too. It's been a long time since my minds gone there. I didn't purge. What I did do was track every single thing I ate today and looked at it. It's there and no amount of throwing it up is going to hide it. There for the world to see that I ate it. I messed up. I make mistakes too. I don't have it easy, I don't just tra lalala down the street losing all the weight I want. I wish I did.

    Right now... I'm just thinking tomorrows another day. Another chance to start over and leave everything from today behind... but I won't. I'll wake up, I'll weigh myself, I'll poke my fat and grab my stomach rolls and  pull at my loose skin and hate myself for everything I ate today. I'll sigh, and I'll get dressed and I'll pretend like it never happened. That's just what I do.

     Even then, tomorrow is a great day for a new start. I'm getting my braces put on. It's supposed to be an exciting day for me... but now I feel like it's tainted. I'm going to be upset with myself. What I need to do today, is just review the points I made a few days ago, and come up with a game plan. Clearly 1200 calories a day isn't working for me. 1300 calories a day didn't do anything. So now I feel like I have 2 options. I can restrict my calories even more which I'm worried if I do will lead to another binge, but maybe not since I had been doing pretty well for so long. Over 280 days I've been tracking every.single.thing that I put into my mouth. Down to my ex-lax. ( 30 calories?!?? Seriously??!) I'm still the same weight I was at the beginning of  December.  Anyways like i was saying I can either restrict more which I don't think is the right answer, or I can try zig-zagging my calories. I found a site that will give me the amounts to do that. Maybe I'll start that next week. I would start tomorrow but I think I'm going to be eating soup for a few days... Not sure though so I'm kind of leaving it up to fate and seeing how I feel.

     This morning I felt like I was failing... but tonight I feel like I know what it really feels like to fail. I let myself down, and you guys too and I'm sorry about that. I'm human. I think.

    Snow day!!


  1. I hope you are feeling more in control today.
    I think you should be uppiing your calorie intake. I know its a scary thought, but have you actually tried it? And if so how long did you try it for?
    and um.. ex-lax?
    I have definitely felt like going back to my purging days also. but in the end its too scary for me, I NEED to be alive and thats one sure way to lead to all kinds of health issues.. sure we'd be skinny, but at what cost? Not worth it!
    I really hope you feel stronger today. And you should be proud of yourself that you are able to actually face the issue and track what you actually ate.. I know when I do bad I never track it.

  2. Weeklong the ex lax was when the t3s made me constipated a few weeks ago. I hadnt pooped in like 2 weeks lol. I feel so so so much better today. My food choices aren't great but I'm on soft foods,again. Bt under my calories so far

  3. Ohh, yeah I have heard t3's will do that :S

    I knew you'd feel better today :)

  4. you should try it works wraps.

    I lost so many inches and all my stretch marks :) It's not very expensive either. All natural too!

  5. Aww Sabrina,

    Everything Ayla said is the exact thing I was going to say.

    When I am bad, I just stop tracking things, which is so bad imo. At least you hold yourself accountable and I admire that SOOOO much! We all have bad days (for me it was almost a month :S) but we get back into it because we have to. You have done SO well! I agree that maybe try upping your calories above your BMR for a while, few weeks maybe, if that doesn't work, then maybe try zig zagging. Something has got to give with this plateau! You can do it! Don't give up!

    Also, Im sorry I haven't been around the blogs, I feel bad for not reading or commenting lately. We are supposed to be supporting, but I've fallin away.

    /shitty person