Then I thought why not just purge it all. Then I'm in control again. Then I can eat what I want and I can do what I want to. Then it's like I didn't mess up. I can quite literally have my cake and eat it too. It's been a long time since my minds gone there. I didn't purge. What I did do was track every single thing I ate today and looked at it. It's there and no amount of throwing it up is going to hide it. There for the world to see that I ate it. I messed up. I make mistakes too. I don't have it easy, I don't just tra lalala down the street losing all the weight I want. I wish I did.
Right now... I'm just thinking tomorrows another day. Another chance to start over and leave everything from today behind... but I won't. I'll wake up, I'll weigh myself, I'll poke my fat and grab my stomach rolls and pull at my loose skin and hate myself for everything I ate today. I'll sigh, and I'll get dressed and I'll pretend like it never happened. That's just what I do.
Even then, tomorrow is a great day for a new start. I'm getting my braces put on. It's supposed to be an exciting day for me... but now I feel like it's tainted. I'm going to be upset with myself. What I need to do today, is just review the points I made a few days ago, and come up with a game plan. Clearly 1200 calories a day isn't working for me. 1300 calories a day didn't do anything. So now I feel like I have 2 options. I can restrict my calories even more which I'm worried if I do will lead to another binge, but maybe not since I had been doing pretty well for so long. Over 280 days I've been tracking every.single.thing that I put into my mouth. Down to my ex-lax. ( 30 calories?!?? Seriously??!) I'm still the same weight I was at the beginning of December. Anyways like i was saying I can either restrict more which I don't think is the right answer, or I can try zig-zagging my calories. I found a site that will give me the amounts to do that. Maybe I'll start that next week. I would start tomorrow but I think I'm going to be eating soup for a few days... Not sure though so I'm kind of leaving it up to fate and seeing how I feel.
This morning I felt like I was failing... but tonight I feel like I know what it really feels like to fail. I let myself down, and you guys too and I'm sorry about that. I'm human. I think.