Bad Choices.

     I can't even figure out how to say what I want to say. I feel like what I need or want to say isn't what the followers of my blog want to read. I don't need to be told that it's a bad choice. I don't need to be told that what I am doing is wrong. I know that, I'm not an idiot...well I am, but you get it. I'm not looking for support from this post and I'm not expecting people to get it. I'm just saying what I feel like I need to get off my chest in order to accept it and move on. I am doing my best and my results are garbage. I'm really frustrated with myself and with my body. I keep getting told that I'm so motivated, but I'm not. I'm really just at the end of my rope and I don't know what else to do.

     1650 wasn't working for me, I didn't give it much of a chance. I don't think I ever planned to. I started taking a "diet pill" then I had the flu a while ago and ever since I've been averaging about 800 calories a day. Sometimes I purge before I go to bed at night if I feel like I can. I was sick Saturday morning and after throwing up most of the morning I was down to 154.8 lbs. I didn't plan to do this. I don't plan on doing it forever, I just don't know what else to do. I feel like I have tried everything. I have done everything that I can possibly think of. I've asked for help figuring it out. I've checked dozens of websites, I've made threads on other sites asking. WHAT.DO.I.HAVE.TO.DO? Why isn't anything working? I don't know, but I need to figure it out.

     I feel like I'm letting everybody down and maybe that's why I haven't been wanting to update. I've been doing okay, and working out and I'm happier then I've been in a while. I'm getting out of the house and I am doing more. I'm making new friends and I feel like a better version of myself. I went down from 162 and I feel a sense of relief, and FINALLY... but it comes with a lot of guilt, regret, stress, and fear. I know it won't be forever. I really need a plan. I need to figure something out. I thought I was done with this and I didnt think it would be something I had to worry about ever again. My head knows it's wrong. I'm going to call some nutritionists in Edmonton this week and see if I can get some one to help me come up with a better plan. What I can do on my own isn't good enough.