Here I am.

I know some of you at least had to have been wondering where I was hiding. Life has been...intense. I don't even know where to start, what I've told you and what I haven't. Well let's just start and go from there.

I joined baseball a few weeks ago and even with being able to hang out with friends one day a week I found my sense of independence again. I got a job a few weeks later. I told my husband I no longer wanted to be together, he felt the same way and we decided to separate. Things were good, he makes a better ex then husband and that is okay. Wre working things out and they are going as amicably as possible. I had written a post a while ago about how things were changing and I couldn't say quite how yet.  That was it. My life was going great and I was happier then I ever remember being. In my old posts it was hit or miss on how I'd feel that day. Some days I'd be fine and happy and others I just hated my life. I finally got my drivers license!!

A few days after Adrian andi decided to finally end things, and move out of our house at the end of the month my mom passed away. October 4th. I  had a rocky relationship with my mom, at best, as this blog has definitely shown. It was getting better though and this was really unexpected. I love my mom and I do miss her. I felt like I was doing okay, at peace with it all, but I am not coping as well as I thought.

I was okay when she died. I was alone when I went to the hospital and they took me to the quiet little room at the endif the hall and the dr told me, I just said okay. I had no reaction and she just looked at me. I felt like I was doing something wrong, but finally she left. I had to call my sister, my dad, and my moms "boyfriend". Then I went to see her, I just sat there and thought over and over "are you happy now? Are you happy now?" My dad was a mess and that was hard to deal with. Every one kept saying it was going to hit me, and I don't know if it even has yet. Maybe I felt like I lost my mom such a long time ago that its not as upsetting for me.  Seeing her apartment was hard, I felt bad she was living that way. Her boyfriend went in and cleared out anything worth money. Her laptop, camera, cell phone. Ect. Left empty wine bottles and glasses and blood and puke everywhere for my sister my dad and I to deal with. Priorities I guess. I'm still angry about the things he did, the way my sister and I were treated by her family. That's a story for another day I guess.

So with everything going on in my life I've been really stressed out, having a lot of bad, bad, anxiety. Since the anxiety is something that's been bothering me for such a long time and the vitamins and supplements are not working (not that my diets been great lately either) I did end up going to the dr who prescribed me Ativan. It's been a few days now and it definitely does help when I'm in a full on attack but in a week if its not better I'm supposed to go back.

Other then that a lot of amazing things are happening in my life. I got my license, a car, a job I love, my own little apartment. An amazing, amazing guy I am starting to spend time with. Things overall are turning around for me and I'm looking forward to what my future holds for me.