Friday, June 1, 2012

Was I scared, did I psyche myself out, or did I just give up.

     I started off with good intentions today. I packed up Nina, got ready and started my 5.8K walk/jog.  I was fine the first part, a little creepy being in the trees alone but nothing too bad. Talked to Nina and pointed out animals. Then we got to the lake where there was lots of other people, with kids and walking their dogs and I felt great. I thought no problem I'm going to rock this. Then I got to the ravine. It's quiet. There's no houses around, your deep in the ravine and I didn't see one other person for a while. I started to get nervous, then anxious. I thought ok keep going it's all in your head, there's no reason to be scared. You have your phone, you can RUN. I sped up a little bit. Still getting more anxious.  Right about the time I got to the area where a body was found a few months ago (this isn't a regular thing! I swear!  I tried to find an article but can't.) Anyways when I got to where the flowers were hanging by a bridge and there was a firepit then I started thinking about how homeless people live under bridges and then every time i walked over a bridge i pictured creepy homeless men coming out and raping me.  Well, I'm sad to say it got bad enough that I literally climed the side of the ravine to get out. With a 25 lb toddler on my back. I did that. It's kind of neat cause I actually ended up right on my street which I didn't even know was going to happen so SUPER helpful for me.

     When I got home I felt good, I retracked my route and I ended up only walking 4.25km. Now that I have a chance to reflect I keep beating myself up about it. I know that I was being crazy. I know that we were perfectly safe. I know people walk that trail hundreds of times. I know I've walked that trail alone before. I can't beat myself up about it, but I wonder if I was actually scared, did i just psyche myself out, or did I just quit and that was an excuse? It's hard with the anxiety to push myself when I know that even though my head is telling me that i am nuts, that I genuinely feel scared. I was really terrified. I really thought all those crazy things in my head about bridge trolls were going to come true. How do I get over that? How do I make sure that I keep my head on track next time?

     Luckily for paranoid assholes like me, Edmonton Police has a super handy tool called the Crime Map. All I have to do is look up the ravine and it shows me all the crimes in that area. Since January of this year there was only 1 crime in the area and thankfully ( for me!) it was neither a violent crime, or anything that would effect me at all. It was theft from a car under $5000. Luckily I don't drive and everything I own is much more then $5000.  So for now my mind is at ease, and next time I'll have to remember that I can do it and that it is as safe, if not safer then just walking down the street.

I don't think this photo really shows how steep it really is! I'll have to go get another photo later, I was SO impressed that I climbed up the side!

Bridge Trolls live here.

No comments:

Post a Comment