R.i.p laptop.

Well, this sucks. Something's wrong with my laptop and I don't know how to fix it. Which means I can only blog from my iPad. I apologize because for some reason blogger won't let me use paragraphs from my iPad. I duno what's up with that but I am bummed. I guess I'll have to go laptop shopping.

MOMentum 5K Walk/Run

     So I've made the decision to sign up for my very first real life 5K walk/run.  It seems basic enough for a newbie like me even if I can't run the whole thing. It's a good start and I am glad I decided to do it. I'm actually really excited, and really nervous. MOMentum, is the link to their website's event page with more information.

     Yesterday was actually a really great day. I walked the 6K route through the ravine that I plan to train on and it's not as scary as I actually thought it would be. I couldnt run yesterday because I had a 15lb weight and was pushing Nina in a bike. Not to mention I had Adrian there, slowing me down as usual (kidding, kidding...kinda.) I'm really motivated to start actually training today, but I don't have a jogging stroller and the stroller I do have is nearly impossible to push on the gravel. Then I was going to go for a walk but the skies not looking so friendly and the forecast is calling for thunderstorms. Actually, now that I think about it if I want to run outside I won't be able to start until Sunday. I'll have to run on the treadmill tomorrow afternoon. I'm not stoked about it, but I want to be able to run my 5k in August! So for today I'll take a rest day and I've planned a few different 5K's both on pavement ( so I can push the stroller or bike) and through the trails, and some 2.5 K's for days when I don't have the time or the energy for a full walk/jog/run.

     On a less happy note, I weighed in and my weight was 1 lbs less then it was yesterday.... which is great except yesterday was 3lbs more then a few weeks ago... which was already 3 lbs more then a few weeks before that but I had the flu so I expected not to keep it off... So I weighed 160. Then I got on my scale 157?! I didnt believe it I got on and off like 5 more times... 157. Then one last time...160. I think my scales messing with me.

I love summer!

     Maybe a little bit of nice weather is what the dr ordered to break my plateau. Can I even call it that? It's been so long. I'm not seeing 162 any more, which is great but every time the scale doesn't go down I get nervous. I really need to get over that, but after such a LONG plateau it's really still bothering me. I am making progress though and it is over so I just need to move on.  I need to quit talking about it, and soon enough I will quit thinking about it.

     There is just something about the nice weather that makes me want to get up and MOVE! I dont want to sit inside on the couch all day. It never bothered me before but now I just want to be in the sun, I want to be moving. I'm glad I can get back to walking and maybe I'll get the guts to jog in public, but... I'm scared. Which is stupid really, because I run at the gym and that is just as public as the street and not nearly as much fun as the trails I have access too. I even bought a pink and white soccer ball Nina is having a good time kicking around. I'm glad she's such an active baby. I hope she doesn't grow out of that.

     The very best part of summer is DEFINITELY the bbqs! I love bbqing every day when I can, and using my crock pot on days that I cant because cooking on the stove is just too much heat!  If there is one thing I love it's trying new recipes. I'm not much of a cook myself, but I can follow a recipe pretty good. I will definitely start sharing great ones that I find. Tonight I'm trying ( surprise!) Skinny Taste's Buffalo Turkey Burger. I'll be having the slaw but with regular ranch dressing and not the blue cheese. Not because I have anything against blue cheese (her blue cheese buffalo chicken dip is seriously AMAZING!) but because I don't have any.

     Any body have any other food blogs or cookbooks that are worth sharing? I'm going to be looking around this afternoon but I love any one elses suggestions and reviews! I'll also try posting more photos, not only of myself but of FOOD. I love food, and I'm glad we're working on our problems and moving towards a healthy relationship.

345 days.

     It's been that long. Seriously! I better start getting my 1 year speech ready. Like I'm accepting an award. I'll put it right beside my mom of the year and best wife ever trophies. Really though?! Almost a whole year I've been fighting this war. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing the battles, but I'm winning the war. War on fat. YOU HEAR THAT?!? I'm coming for you...and you... and YOU.

     Really though, maybe it's because it's finally not raining, maybe it's because I woke up at a normal hour after a long, solid sleep.  I woke up in a great mood... I feel almost rejuvenated. In my head I feel like "I GOT THIS. AINT NO THANG". All the depression and anxiety for the last few days is just gone. Maybe it's because Adrian bought me flowers and a thank you card for belated mothers day. Which will from this day forth be called Sabrina Appreciation Day.  I blew my nose and lost my tissue in bed, Adrian is not going to be happy when he finds it.

     Weighed in this morning at a beautiful looking 158. BEAUTIFUL. 

     Followed a bunch of new blogs yesterday and I'm loving them. Gosh internet people are so witty and humorous. I hope one day I can stop writing like a kindergardener and people will find me as interesting as I find the bloggers I follow to be. I aspire to it.

     Thanks everybody for your supportive comments on my last few posts. I really haven't been feeling myself but I am back and feeling better then ever. I am going to work on my Thank you speech so I will leave you with this.

I tried to find a recent picture of me but I do not have one, so I will work on that today if I manage to get pants on. 

and yes I wear my sunglasses inside. Actually I don't usually but I had my eyebrows waxed so they were all red. Thank you Victoria for making me feel like a wacko.

   

What the heck?!??

 All of the blogs I follow are missing from my reading list!! wtf do I do!! I love so many blogs omg I am going to punch kittens.

10 am, and it's no good.

My day, this far anyways. I was hoping to sleep in but with a two year old that's nearly impossible. I woke up feeling like crap' and it's raining. Went through the morning routine in the bathroom (more on that later) and finally put on pants and got the baby downstairs, with out falling down them for the 10000th time. I still felt like crap so I gave mini Satan fruit while I satin the couch watching toopy and binoo which for some reason is toopy and puppy to her. I think it's a cat which is weird because she calls everything cats except the cat, that's a puppy. Anyways she eats it and I start second breakfast, eggs whites with peppers and onions for me...egg yolks with the same for her. I'm efficient that way. But do you think she wants them? No. Salt and vinegar chips? Of course. And not wanting to shame my mom of the year award she won this battle. Now she is sitting in front of the tv with her eggs...I still feel like throwing up. And now I'm being mounted by a 2 year old. I couldn't decide if I should blog from my iPad or wait till I got my laptop but considering its dead if I waited to charge it I probably never would have blogged at all, so after all of the auto corrections and my terrible iPad typing I hope this still makes sense. I dream of strangling toopy. Now the good stuff. I went to visit my sister and as I had suspected, I was not only over in sodium but it was through.the.roof. Somedays as high as 4000mg. I even managed to eat a 520 calorie cookie. Can you believe that? So I got home caring fresh vegetables. We're having salads for lunch and dinner all week. I'm so bloated I'm drinking a shit ton of sassy water because it usually helps when I feel bloated. It's not all negative though, I weighed in today and didn't gain anything so I am not complaining. I still tracked everything I ate and even though I went over most days and I'm probably retaining water like crazy I am not seeing 162. Smells like its time to go.

Whoa.

I guess I just don't have anything important to update lately...not much in the way of progress anyways. I haven't seen 162 on y scale in quite some time so that's nice. I started eating 1200 calories again. Going to aqua size and going for walks so generally feeling better and doing better. I'm concerned about this weekend though. I'm going to my sisters so I'll be traveling for a better part of Friday and eating at her house all weekend and traveling back on Monday. I love my sister, but her idea of a meal is buying something from m and m meats and throwing it in the oven. She doesn't buy fresh fruits or vegetables...and even told me m and m meats sells eggs and bacon. I'll still be tracking though and I'll be drinking a ton of water...it is just the sodium ill be worried about mostly. I'm still happy though I haven't seen her in over a year. I'll definitely Update with lots of pictures whe I get back.

I've got this.

I figured it out. I bought Henrey a harness and leash type thing to attach to the deck so he does get to enjoy some out side time as well. We're all a little happier around here now with out the moaning. We're all done with the flu and stomach bugs. I have stuck to around 1300 to 1600 calories for the sat few days and I weighed in today and it was NOT 162. I could have cried tears of joy. It seems like every time it changes though, I blog about it and it bounces right back so I'm tempted to just delete this whole sentence. Well, off to find some fun activities for us to do today...I wanted to go for a walk but it seems awfully windy and pushing the stroller in the wind is more of a work out then I think I can handle. Can't wait for the weekend, it's supposed to be beautiful.

Grrrrr cat.

My 3 legged cat keeps whining to go outside and it is driving me up.the.wall. Other the that I'm feeling 100 times better. I've been getting out a lot lately, doing lots of fun activities! Been going to swimming a lot, I love me some aqua size and now I have a friend to go with so it's fun too. When I think about where I was at this time last year, I was miserable. I was 30 lbs heavier, I didn't care about how I looked, I didn't care about how I felt I thought it was all just normal. I may keep telling myself I've only lost 30 lbs in a year, I haven't been losing weight for how many months... But it doesn't even matter. The stress, feeling upset, or defeated... It's not worth it. So much has changed in the last year and it's so much better then losing weight. Losing weight is nice, I hope I lose the rest but I am done torturing myself and stressing. I'll figure it out eventually but I don't need to put added pressure on myself. I need to keep myself happy first, and the rest will come.

Bad Choices.

     I can't even figure out how to say what I want to say. I feel like what I need or want to say isn't what the followers of my blog want to read. I don't need to be told that it's a bad choice. I don't need to be told that what I am doing is wrong. I know that, I'm not an idiot...well I am, but you get it. I'm not looking for support from this post and I'm not expecting people to get it. I'm just saying what I feel like I need to get off my chest in order to accept it and move on. I am doing my best and my results are garbage. I'm really frustrated with myself and with my body. I keep getting told that I'm so motivated, but I'm not. I'm really just at the end of my rope and I don't know what else to do.

     1650 wasn't working for me, I didn't give it much of a chance. I don't think I ever planned to. I started taking a "diet pill" then I had the flu a while ago and ever since I've been averaging about 800 calories a day. Sometimes I purge before I go to bed at night if I feel like I can. I was sick Saturday morning and after throwing up most of the morning I was down to 154.8 lbs. I didn't plan to do this. I don't plan on doing it forever, I just don't know what else to do. I feel like I have tried everything. I have done everything that I can possibly think of. I've asked for help figuring it out. I've checked dozens of websites, I've made threads on other sites asking. WHAT.DO.I.HAVE.TO.DO? Why isn't anything working? I don't know, but I need to figure it out.

     I feel like I'm letting everybody down and maybe that's why I haven't been wanting to update. I've been doing okay, and working out and I'm happier then I've been in a while. I'm getting out of the house and I am doing more. I'm making new friends and I feel like a better version of myself. I went down from 162 and I feel a sense of relief, and FINALLY... but it comes with a lot of guilt, regret, stress, and fear. I know it won't be forever. I really need a plan. I need to figure something out. I thought I was done with this and I didnt think it would be something I had to worry about ever again. My head knows it's wrong. I'm going to call some nutritionists in Edmonton this week and see if I can get some one to help me come up with a better plan. What I can do on my own isn't good enough.