Feeling SO good.

     So, so, SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good. I went shopping the other day and they didn't have the shirt I wanted in a large so the girl told me to try a medium and I said I'd probably have better luck with an XL. She gave me the Medium and a Large in a different color. I ended up getting both shirts in a MEDIUM. I could have pooped myself I was so happy. I can't remember the last time I needed a medium in anything!  I've been wearing make up every day which I don't usually do. I'm back to running again. I just feel so over-it. My face hurts from smiling so much for days. I'm so grateful and lucky to have my followers and a really great support system in my friends. I think blogging and finally being able to get out and say the things I've never been able to say anybody has really just let me move on in ways I didn't think I could. I'm 26 now, and I finally feel like all the pieces fit. Everything is making sense. I don't feel like a child living an adults life.

     Now, onto the not-so-great.  I'm getting braces and I've been looking forward to this for years. I'm so over the moon and sometimes I cry thinking about how stoked I am that we can finally afford to. (We have to pay out of pocket eek!) It's like getting your dream car for your birthday or something lol. The thing is, I am terrified of the dentist. Like full on anxiety attack. I can't breath, I start crying and about 90% of the time I end up cancelling my appointments. I cancelled one on Monday and Adrian told me if I want my braces I HAVE TO GO. ( I have to get all my fillings before my consultation with the ortho, then I have to go to a dental surgeon and get my wisdom teeth pulled because they're growing sideways and not upwards, then skin grafts on my gums from that stupid, stupid tongue ring I had for 10 years) In my head I want to go, and I know I need to go... but I physically do not want to go. D: It's terrifying. Any one else scared of the dentist? How do you deal?! I have an appointment for the 31st...wish me luck.

     Oh! Today is my nieces 10th birthday!! Happy Birthday Lexi!!

Bad idea.

I was feeling energetic today and thought it would be a great idea to go for a run. Since I hurt my back and then Christmas and then being sick I just never got back to it. Well it was an awful idea. My chest hurts so bad and my cough is back worse then it ever was lol. I'll try again on Monday.

Tonight in making a spicy buffalo chicken recipe from Martha Stewart and its been in the slow cooker all morning taunting me. Instead of a bun I'm going to have it on rice though with garlic bread mmm. Should be so good. If I had a bun i would try it that way but I do not. So I'll do what I want.

162

This number is haunting me. Since as long as i can remember. Though I'm glad to see it today. I had a goal of no weight ins until January 19th assuming I would have a great wi and it would make my day. This morning I debated waiting a few days because the last few days I have been pretty off base calorie wise. Last night I ate a prime rib burger with cheese and bacon. Like Adrian said, if I can't eat what I want on my birthday then it's no fun lol. So I went ahead and the burger alone was like 1300 calories but worth it for one night. I did end up weighing in and it was 162lbs, again. I'm not stoked but I thought I had gained so its good enough for me. No more cheating.

Today is my birthday and I'm getting so many great comments on my Facebook. Adrian made it extra special. I got an iPad and rye and we ordered burgers from Boston pizza. I was worried about the lasagna but because of the -45 weather here in Alberta my sister decided its probably best for them to stay home. I'm bummed because I was excited and I haven't seen her in months but it makes the
Most sense. I just hope my dad will still babysit on Saturday but I have a feeling he will cancel. Guess it depends know bad he wants to use my Internet I guess since that seems to be the only reason he's coming. Adrian took Saturday off. Probably the first one since I've known him since it's the busiest day, he makes the most money lol.

Enough about the good stuff. My
Mother in law is coming to visit in a few weeks and I am not looking forward to it. She was here the summer Nina was born and all she does is complain. Shell be here for a
Month and I am already not looking forward to it. God help me.

Noooooo

     Sicker then I was yesterday, which was sicker then the day before. I'm hating my life today. I'm spending the whole day in bed eating subway and watching The Real Housewives Of Atlanta.

Thanks everybody for wishing me well!!

Okay, I admit...

     I am a sufferer of the man-cold. I am SO whiny and right now actually hate my life and it's not even that bad. Hoping Adrian will make something for dinner... or maybe we'll order something.  Most of todays calories were used on soup and orange juice. OMGGGG why ME. I have no other updates today, I'll definitely let you guys know tomorrow that I'm not dead.

I love my friends.

     Nothing gets me out of a funk better then lunch at subway and buying tampons in bulk. I don't usually use tampons but now I have enough to supply a small village. Ayla took my costco virginity today and then we went to subway.  It feels good to get out of the house for some fun, I feel much better.

     I woke up "early" today but with trying to get ready I was distracted. I stopped and thought to myself  "Okay, I need to eat".  I hate breakfast so it kind of caught me off guard. I guess this lifestyle change is actually working.  The more I think about it, maybe I wasn't in a funk. Maybe it seemed like I was just going through the motions because I was. I'm always going to have to count calories and be mindful of what I eat but it's just not as much work as it used to be. It's just second nature now. Since I have a routine and actually know what I'm doing it doesn't take as much time and concentration.

     LIFESTYLE CHANGE. I do not know if MyFitnessPal forums have jaded me or what but every time I hear this I seriously want to punch kittens. I mean I know that's what it is but you hear something so many times and it loses meaning, that's what it's like. NO BUENO IMO.

Another day, another blog post

     Specifically another blog post just to avoid doing something I should be doing. Today I'm painting my craft room. It's all spackled and tapes and all that needs to be done is paint poured but I am scurred. I've never painted anything in my life what if it's terrible. The color is SO bright what  if it looks ridiculous?  This seemed like a great idea a few weeks ago. Now the whole idea is terrifying. I'm actually sitting in the room with my computer pretending like I'm going to start any second now... any second...

     Maybe I'll have lunch first.

Well, that explains it.

     TOM showed up today. Explains my moodiness. I put the baby down for a nap, helped my self to a pot of tea, a double sized pieces of cheesecake and an episode of four weddings. I'm also happy it won't be here for my birthday. I think I'm actually MMMM....ing outloud with every bite of cheesecake I am taking.  I had it allotted as my pm snack but decided to have it as my AM snack while the baby sleeps to make it thaaat much better.


     Life.is.good.

Sitting in the dark.

     1.) Because it was daylight when I sat down, and 2.) because if I open my curtains my house gets real, real, cold.

     Okay, now I've turned on the lights and made a cup of tea. I'm writing this post to avoid doing dishes, to avoid starting dinner. I have no idea what it is but since the new year I have been struggling. I'm procrastinating, unfocused and worst of all I'm lazy. I don't feel like myself at all. I need to regroup and come back at 100%. I felt like I want THERE a few weeks ago. I just don't know how to get it back. I constantly feel like I'm just going through motions. Maybe I'm spending too much time in the dark.

     My birthday is coming up. The big 2-6. My sisters coming from out of town and we're going to go to the casino so that should be fun. She wants me to make her lasagna but I don't think she wants my healthy version. She also wants me to bake a cake for my nieces birthday. For some reason this trip to visit me for my birthday seems like a lot of work on my part. It usually is. It will be nice though so be able to look at last years birthday pics and compare them to this years.
   
     When I look at my WI pics I take every 10lbs I honestly don't notice the difference at all. That worries me, because of my relationship with food. I'm always walking a very thin line. I've been extremes on both ends of eating way too much, and not eating nearly enough. I'm starting to realize that it's never going to be easy and that every time I eat I'm making a choice about where I want to be. It's going to be like this forever because I can't give up. If I give up there's two ways for me to go and neither of them are heading in a good direction. There's a girl I know who has been struggling with an eating disorder and right now she's giving up. I feel awful because I know how she feels and I know what she's going through. I can give her all the advice and talk her ear off but how can I help anybody when I'm struggling so hard to help myself? I thought about showing her my blog but I don't have the courage to do that. Most of the stuff I write here are things I am too scared to share with people in real life, or people in general.

    Well this took a depressing turn! Onwards! To more positive things!! Tonight I'm making ANOTHER skinny taste recipe. This website is like my bible now. So hope that's good! Thx for listenin to me whine guys lol. Maybe I should have made a resolution to be more positive this year!

Day 2, of the rest of my life.

     I could call it day one since day one was actually spent in bed watching old episodes of degrassi and hating my life, but I won't because that was a great start to my new year considering I had a mega-hangover. New years was fun, stayed in and drank much too much champagne. I didn't get around to doing the things I was going to yesterday via I did not leave my bed for anything besides a cheese string and to pee. That's fine because day 2 is just as good as day one says this guy!

     I've been thinking about my pictures to document my weight loss and all I keep thinking is omg what should I wear?! I have some just awful pictures in a sports bra and sweats from my highest weight and I just don't think I am willing to share those. I mean it made sense when I assumed I'd loose the weight and look great in a sports bra and sweats but that is not the case as of yet. Maybe I'll just start with new ones now and keep those for a grand finale. I also have some virtual pictures that I've been doing but those models i mean they just don't have my body type. Even at 182 lbs they don't have loose skin or stretchmarks  or love handles like I do! I will take pictures and post them today.

     So my official weight as of today is 162lbs. I expected that though. I feel the need to explain myself, but I won't. No excuses! I've updated everything and I'm not looking at this like a setback because I don't think I should have changed my sticker those last few pounds to begin with because I had a feeling I would gain the weight back and quickly.

     I'm looking forward to this year. I'm hoping the new years and all of the new years resolutions to lose weight brings new blogs and new followers for me. I'll edit this post to add my pics when I take them during nap time!!

I wish I had a better mirror for taking pics, I could have used the timer but then I feel so awkward and I wonder wtf do I do with my hands, what about my feet, do i look into the camera should i look away i should have done my make up... this... is easier. I just hate those lines!