Emotional Eating

     For the last little while I've been really depressed, usually for no reason. I have a lot of great things in my life and really I have no reason to be down. I had what I would classify as "bad" days, and "good" days. Bad days being 90% of the time and the odd day I would consider "good". I would be sad, angry, have mood swings, freak outs, and I would EAT. I would eat everything I could. I would eat cause I was bored, or eat cause I was mad on bad days. On good days I would eat because it just felt so good. I would eat so much that it would cause guilt, anger and sadness the next day. Since my healthier lifestyle change, staying in my calories, SEEING RESULTS. I only have good days now. Instead of feeling like I had no future, I'm excited for it. I made a conscious effort to not rely on food to make me happy and it's paid off. It was dragging me down, and we were not friends.  I'm not saying we won't have a spat now and then, like all friends do... but I feel like we have a healthy relationship now.

     I read up on emotional eating. While I always knew I did it, I didn't know much about it. It seemed so simple, but what I didn't realize that was I couldn't pinpoint the moment when I decided "I'm mad, I'm going to eat ice cream" I didn't realize I did it. I had to be honest with myself about how I felt and why, and only then could I make the choice whether I needed that ice cream, or if a shower, or a walk, or a big cup of tea would be a better alternative. I've started thinking twice before I eat anything, at all. Do i need this? Do I even want it? If I'm upset I replace that big bag of chips with planning my meals on MFP, Reading encouraging words from other women like me. It doesn't seem like much, but it took me along time to get here. I feel completely in control of my eating habits, and my life, it's going just the way I want.

     I wake up now every day with this sense of excitement, for the day which I'm going to actually enjoy, and for the changes that I've made now and I'll see the results of in the future. Life doesn't get any better then this, I don't know how it could! I love waking up in the morning and coming to read your blogs and reading peoples threads on mfp and it's all so positive. It's the perfect boost I need to start my day. I'm so grateful for Ayla being there on the same mission. It just makes everything so much easier knowing that you're not alone, whether it's online or in real life. I could not ask for a better motivational partner. <3

Did you miss me?

     I did not realize it has been 5 days since my last update. I skipped 4 days of the shred, I binged almost all weekend and drank too. I weighed myself this morning and while I haven't gained anything I am disappointed with myself. I was back on track with my food today, and will be going back to my shred tomorrow. No pictures today of dinner but it was GOOD! I probably could have taken it easy on the sides but I am sosososos stuffed and didn't go over my calories for the day. I'm actually under by 124Cal and thought about some dessert (om nom nom) but I will stick with my tea instead.

     Besides all that nonsense, I'm totally STOKED on Big Brother 13 starting in just 10 days. House pictures come out tonight at midnight. I'm going to try and stay awake but I have a weird sharp pain in the back of my  head. I'm pretty sure it's cancer, or AIDS. I'll google all my symptoms later and let you all know what the diagnoses is.

     Since it is so beautiful out I am thinking of maybe going for a walk tonight, I live in the ghetto so I don't want to go too late at night. I've also been thinking about buying a heart rate monitor, so I can really track how many calories a day I am burning and making the most of my work outs and calorie counting by being as accurate as I can be. They're so expensive though, and I'm worried that the inexpensive ones won't be as good, or accurate though as the more expensive ones. I found one that I like the look of, and it's decently priced so I guess it can't hurt to ask the sales person but usually they don't know much about anything. It's the New Balance N4 Heart Rate Monitor. It's got all the features I'm looking for and I think it's pretty, and it fits in the budget.

     I looked up some reviews online and they all seem okay. If anybody has any personal experience, opinions, advice I'm open to it! Well, I guess that's about it for today. Back to work tomorrow. ( work in the sense of working out lol) Maybe as a "punishment" to myself I'll do the shred AND Aylas 100 work out every day for the first 10 days. That will teach me a lesson!!

Weigh-In Day!

     So not exciting as I thought it was going to be. I was expecting better results. I am down 3lbs from 1 week ago today, still pretty good. Feeling good, feeling great actually. I feel... excited. I don't know, maybe I'm just having a good day.

     It's SO nice and sunny outside today, we played a bit in the backyard and then came in for a nap. I'm about to start day 1 of the 30DS. My calories for the day are tracked and I'm doing good on water. Lunch was a good wrap but I wish I hadn't put onions on it. That's my only complaint today. I kind of want to BBQ since it's so gorgeous outside but I've been thinking of mini quiche for a few days now so I think I'm going to stick with that. I'll share the recipe here. Obviously brands don't matter but for the sake of the nutritional information I wrote them for you to see.

Easy Mini Quiche (makes 12)
12 slices Oven Joy Whole Wheat Bread
6 TBSP Hormel Real Bacon Bits
1/2 Cup Lucerene Cheddar Cheese
4 Stalks Green Onion
1 cup Lucerene 1% Milk
4 Large Eggs

1. Preheat oven to 375F. Lightly grease 12 muffin tins. ( I use pam)
2.  Trim or cut bread into circles ( I use an upside down glass ) Place circles in bottom of muffin  tins. Distribute onion, cheese, and bacon evenly between muffin tins.
3. In a medium bowl, combine milk, eggs, and any spices you like to use. ( I just use pepper ) and pour evenly between muffin tins.
4. Bake for 20 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean.

They freeze well, and make a good breakfast too.

Ingredients	Calories	Carbs	Fat	Protein	Fiber	Sodium
Oven Joy - 100% Whole Wheat Bread, 12 slices	720	144	6	30	30	1,740
Egg White - Large, Generic, 4 large egg white	60	1	0	16	0	220
Hormel - *Real Bacon Original - Crumbled, 6 tbsp.	180	0	12	18	0	1,140
Generic - Green Onions, 4 stalk chopped (12g) ~1/8 bunch	12	4	0	0	2	0
Cheese - Cheddar, 0.5 cup, shredded	228	1	19	14	0	351
Lucerne - 1% Lowfat W/ Vitamins A & D Milk, 1 cup (240mL)	110	13	3	8	0	130
Add Ingredient

Total:	1310	163	40	86	32	3581
Per Serving:	109	14	3	7	3	298

ETA- Day 1 of 30 day shred - Complete!
         Day 1 of Shimmy - Complete!

Things are looking good!

     Tomorrow is official weigh-in. As official as I can be I guess. I took a sneak peek at my scale today and things are looking pretty good, if I do say so myself. I've been eating breakfast every day and keeping up with my water. I didn't go to the gym Monday like I had anticipated but decided to go with the 30-day-shred instead. Today I did "day 1" of a belly dancing ("Shimmy" on OWN) workout video, nothing too hardcore but still better then nothing I think.

   On the topic of looking good, I finally got around to cleaning out my cupboards and fridge. Throwing away all that old junk and replacing it with new healthier options. It's only been 2 days but I am finding having the veggies ready to go is already proving to be a great idea.

Before:

After:

     It's so much easier now to go to the kitchen and make better snacks and meals. Easier to find everything too lol. Well, I guess it's time for bed now. Can you believe I'm actually EXCITED to check my weight tomorrow?!

Me and food, we have a love hate relationship.

     My story from the beginning isn't long, or complicated. I didn't grow up with trauma or a hard life. I grew up a happy kid. A slim, skinny even, petite child. In high school I made new friends, one who used to call me fat a lot. I went through high school feeling like the fat girl, that's when I started binge eating and purging. When I graduated high school I was 98 lbs, and still had that fat girl mentality. After high school I started my first real long term relationship, which came with dates, eating out, and post secondary with the dreaded freshman 15. For me it was more like the freshman 50. It didn't bother me, I felt good at 110, 120 150 even... But I kept gaining. I ballooned up to almost 170 at my highest.

     I moved out, was living on my own taking care of myself. Working full time and enjoying my life. I started eating less, and less. Some days eating a 6 inch sub or wrap every second day. I felt so good, so free, so in control. I had lost 60lbs in 3 months. I felt amazing. I loved shopping.  3 months later, I met adrian. Things moved quickly and within weeks we were living together, the weight came back. By time we were married, clothes I had bought didn't fit. I didn't look the same. New lumps and bumps and... My very first stretch mark.
   
 I started a new job shortly afterwards and I remember thinking to myself, great if I'm at work all day, I don't have to eat. I did though, I ate, a lot. I couldn't stop. I had gone from complete control, to no control at all. I gave up. I gave up on myself.  That brings me to where I am now, taking back control. I realize now, with the restriction, that wasn't control. Not eating, eating too much that's black and white. Its staying in the grey, being healthy, that's what takes control and work, and strength. I just hope I can do it this time. I can't give up on myself again.

3 Days In

     So far, so good. Not great, but an improvement. I way overate last night but I can't beat myself up over one bad day. Been drinking a lot of water, at least 8 cups a day. Also been eating breakfast every day except today cause I didn't feel good. Overall, a good few days. I'm feeling good about this week. My goals for next week are to go to the gym at least twice, Monday and Wednesday, and obviously keep up with the breakfast and water.

     Overall I've been feeling really good, happier then ever. I wish this weather would clear up so I could go for walks, or go anywhere for that matter.

Rain, Rain Go Away.

     I'm trying to find ways to make healthier snacks my go-to for breakfast and lunch. I'm always grabbing whatever is quick and easy which usually means it's not the greatest option. Tonight, I'm going to clean out my closet, and then the fridge. A little organization might make things easier. What are your favorite easy yet healthy meals?!

Refreshed, and motivated.

     I've done the impossible and I deleted the past. Well, in theory anyways. How can I go forward when I always felt like the past was holding me back. I couldn't log on, post, or even read my blog without feeling the weight of 100 failures on my back. It's gone and now I am starting over.

     So then I ask... how do I start? It seems so simple eat right, watch calories, work out but when  you look at the big picture it's just overwhelming isn't it? I read once that the key to losing weight is to start now, not tomorrow. Not Monday, not when the gym opens or when the cake is gone. Of course I can say that now, I just had cake. I think for me my starting point right now is to pin point my problems and focus on them rather then making mistakes and beating myself up about it later. Self Control, which is my case is grossly over eating. Laziness, I don't even have energy to do the things I want let alone things I don't... like go to the gym. I think the two go hand in hand, eating right leads to being more energetic so that's where I'm going to start. With the food, counting my calories and making smarter choices. Of course I can say that now, at 1:30AM when I won't be making any choices until tomorrow. Breakfast, they say it's the most important meal of the day and I never eat it. Who are THEY anyways, know-it-alls.

     So this week I am focusing on eating breakfast, and counting calories, drinking water and incorperating one vegetarian meal into our week. I've been using http://www.myfitnesspal.com off and on for a while now and I find when I plan out my meals ahead of time that I am more likely to stick to what I had planned.

So welcome me back onto the weight loss bandwagon. :)