Sitting in the dark.

     1.) Because it was daylight when I sat down, and 2.) because if I open my curtains my house gets real, real, cold.

     Okay, now I've turned on the lights and made a cup of tea. I'm writing this post to avoid doing dishes, to avoid starting dinner. I have no idea what it is but since the new year I have been struggling. I'm procrastinating, unfocused and worst of all I'm lazy. I don't feel like myself at all. I need to regroup and come back at 100%. I felt like I want THERE a few weeks ago. I just don't know how to get it back. I constantly feel like I'm just going through motions. Maybe I'm spending too much time in the dark.

     My birthday is coming up. The big 2-6. My sisters coming from out of town and we're going to go to the casino so that should be fun. She wants me to make her lasagna but I don't think she wants my healthy version. She also wants me to bake a cake for my nieces birthday. For some reason this trip to visit me for my birthday seems like a lot of work on my part. It usually is. It will be nice though so be able to look at last years birthday pics and compare them to this years.
   
     When I look at my WI pics I take every 10lbs I honestly don't notice the difference at all. That worries me, because of my relationship with food. I'm always walking a very thin line. I've been extremes on both ends of eating way too much, and not eating nearly enough. I'm starting to realize that it's never going to be easy and that every time I eat I'm making a choice about where I want to be. It's going to be like this forever because I can't give up. If I give up there's two ways for me to go and neither of them are heading in a good direction. There's a girl I know who has been struggling with an eating disorder and right now she's giving up. I feel awful because I know how she feels and I know what she's going through. I can give her all the advice and talk her ear off but how can I help anybody when I'm struggling so hard to help myself? I thought about showing her my blog but I don't have the courage to do that. Most of the stuff I write here are things I am too scared to share with people in real life, or people in general.

    Well this took a depressing turn! Onwards! To more positive things!! Tonight I'm making ANOTHER skinny taste recipe. This website is like my bible now. So hope that's good! Thx for listenin to me whine guys lol. Maybe I should have made a resolution to be more positive this year!

Day 2, of the rest of my life.

     I could call it day one since day one was actually spent in bed watching old episodes of degrassi and hating my life, but I won't because that was a great start to my new year considering I had a mega-hangover. New years was fun, stayed in and drank much too much champagne. I didn't get around to doing the things I was going to yesterday via I did not leave my bed for anything besides a cheese string and to pee. That's fine because day 2 is just as good as day one says this guy!

     I've been thinking about my pictures to document my weight loss and all I keep thinking is omg what should I wear?! I have some just awful pictures in a sports bra and sweats from my highest weight and I just don't think I am willing to share those. I mean it made sense when I assumed I'd loose the weight and look great in a sports bra and sweats but that is not the case as of yet. Maybe I'll just start with new ones now and keep those for a grand finale. I also have some virtual pictures that I've been doing but those models i mean they just don't have my body type. Even at 182 lbs they don't have loose skin or stretchmarks  or love handles like I do! I will take pictures and post them today.

     So my official weight as of today is 162lbs. I expected that though. I feel the need to explain myself, but I won't. No excuses! I've updated everything and I'm not looking at this like a setback because I don't think I should have changed my sticker those last few pounds to begin with because I had a feeling I would gain the weight back and quickly.

     I'm looking forward to this year. I'm hoping the new years and all of the new years resolutions to lose weight brings new blogs and new followers for me. I'll edit this post to add my pics when I take them during nap time!!

I wish I had a better mirror for taking pics, I could have used the timer but then I feel so awkward and I wonder wtf do I do with my hands, what about my feet, do i look into the camera should i look away i should have done my make up... this... is easier. I just hate those lines!