Hmmm....

I don't even know where to start. I have been feeling like I was falling apart. Barely holding everything together. I've been depressed, even more then I let any one know. I thought the world would be a much better place with out me. I don't know where everything went wrong. It could have been anything. I stayed with an abusive boyfriend longer then I should have, I let people take advantage of me. I felt so alone I let people control me and hurt me so bad. I am incredibly broken, in a way I'm not sure can ever be fixed.  I'm taking Ativan for the anxiety, and seeing a therapist. I'm not sure what will happen next.  I don't know where my life is going but I know I need to leave the past in the past and focus on where I want to be and feeling better, being better. 

I should use that as my opening line on my dating profile, no? Today's better then yesterday, and hopefully tomorrows better then today. I want to get in my car and drive forever.  Unfortunately, I cannot. I have a date tonight and a meeting with my therapist. Overall good Tuesday? Wish me luck!

Still alive FYI!

10 lbs heavier but still alive. My computer is broken, the one I bought in December so that's really frustrating. Other then that life is pretty good. My boyfriends staying with me while trying to find a place and I love him to pieces but I need my space back :(. Not to mention we are terrible influences on each other and eat out for almost every meal. I start my first real grown up job on the 17th so I put my notice in at work and now I am enjoying a week off before going back to work full time.

Other then that not much is new here. Nina just turned three on Sunday. She's growing up so fast and I'm always shocked at how much stuff she knows and how quickly she picks up on things. Well dinners ready...coconut curry soup, yummy.   Ill definitely check in again soon!

This is harder then I thought.

     Not just getting back into the grove of things, but just life in general lately. Adrian's hours at work changed again so he's only seeing Nina one day a week. Life is just crazy, I really don't know how to get it under control. I'm feeling super overwhelmed but I just need to get through these weeks, find a job, hope everything works out for the best. I really just dont know where to begin.

    I'm tracking my food again, so hopefully that gives me a little more structure and I can control my eating habits because I have just been eating out far too much, too much junk. Bens coming home soon so I don't think that will help matters but at least then cooking at home won't be as depressing as when I'm cooking meals for one. I'm unsure if I'll ever have time to start working out again... I'm sure I will one day haha but not in the foreseeable future that is for sure. Specially since I had to get rid of my treadmill which is really too bad, I loved running. I do still have my gym pass I just haven't had any spare time. Maybe I need to make time, force myself to go and it would probably help with the stress.

     I have an ortho appointment tomorrow ( yay! Love ortho day!) and I have a job interview as a dental receptionist on Wednesday so wish me luck, I need it! Interviews always make me so nervous.

Back, hopefully for good.

     Life.Is.Crazzzzy. That's all I have to say.  Now that things are settling down, I'm moved into my new apartment, lifes finally getting back to normal.  I've been back and forth the last few weeks going to visit my boyfriend 8 hours away. There 3 days, here for 4. Such a mission. Luckily it's over and he will be home in two weeks.  My weight hasn't changed much, and I've been semi-tracking and eating out a ton. That's all going to change now.

     I am starting to look for a new job, and hopefully get life back to...my new normal. I have a hard time with Nina being gone three days a week, and Ben being gone I start to get really lonely. She's with me for all of December though because of Adrians work schedule but January is going to be really hard after having her all month.

     With all my free time from being unemployed you would think I'd take the opportunity to go to the gym, or use my spare time to do my meal planning... but that hasn't been happening. I'm going to start logging in every morning again like I used to. It definitely helped keep me on track. Now that I have a computer again it should be  a lot easier to stick to. I say that as I'm eating a chicken donair.

     Ah life is so good. It's unbelievable, I didnt know I could feel this happy... and free.

Well, this is it.

Today is moving day, sort of.  We are moving out of our house, and I am moving into my place tomorrow, Adrian into his tonight. I thought I'd be more emotional, but I guess when it's over, it's over.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my weight loss, if I want to lose more, wait, stay where I am... I'm really undecided. Eventually I will want to lose more, the last 40 pounds or so but I'm not sure if now is the time. I'm still paying attention to what I am eating, I'm just not stressing about it. I am eating out a lot that is for sure. Probably will continue to until I am settled in my own place.

A big part of the reason I decided to lose weight is because my ex really pressured me into it. Pressured me to take diet pills, would tell me to just not eat for a few days when I hit my plateau.  I think I need to take a break and focus on me, what I want and decide what I want to do for myself.  I haven't even had time to think lately let alone focus.

Also, I don't remember if I mentioned it in my last post but the dr had started me on Ativan for two weeks and it does not seem to be helping. In fact, the only think it does seem to do is make me sleep. I am talking like from the time I get home till I wake up for work. I'm missing out on time with Nina, time with my friends. I'm wasting my life sleeping it away. I am supposed to go back tomorrow and follow up.

Well, wish me luck!! I can't believe today is finally here.

Here I am.

I know some of you at least had to have been wondering where I was hiding. Life has been...intense. I don't even know where to start, what I've told you and what I haven't. Well let's just start and go from there.

I joined baseball a few weeks ago and even with being able to hang out with friends one day a week I found my sense of independence again. I got a job a few weeks later. I told my husband I no longer wanted to be together, he felt the same way and we decided to separate. Things were good, he makes a better ex then husband and that is okay. Wre working things out and they are going as amicably as possible. I had written a post a while ago about how things were changing and I couldn't say quite how yet.  That was it. My life was going great and I was happier then I ever remember being. In my old posts it was hit or miss on how I'd feel that day. Some days I'd be fine and happy and others I just hated my life. I finally got my drivers license!!

A few days after Adrian andi decided to finally end things, and move out of our house at the end of the month my mom passed away. October 4th. I  had a rocky relationship with my mom, at best, as this blog has definitely shown. It was getting better though and this was really unexpected. I love my mom and I do miss her. I felt like I was doing okay, at peace with it all, but I am not coping as well as I thought.

I was okay when she died. I was alone when I went to the hospital and they took me to the quiet little room at the endif the hall and the dr told me, I just said okay. I had no reaction and she just looked at me. I felt like I was doing something wrong, but finally she left. I had to call my sister, my dad, and my moms "boyfriend". Then I went to see her, I just sat there and thought over and over "are you happy now? Are you happy now?" My dad was a mess and that was hard to deal with. Every one kept saying it was going to hit me, and I don't know if it even has yet. Maybe I felt like I lost my mom such a long time ago that its not as upsetting for me.  Seeing her apartment was hard, I felt bad she was living that way. Her boyfriend went in and cleared out anything worth money. Her laptop, camera, cell phone. Ect. Left empty wine bottles and glasses and blood and puke everywhere for my sister my dad and I to deal with. Priorities I guess. I'm still angry about the things he did, the way my sister and I were treated by her family. That's a story for another day I guess.

So with everything going on in my life I've been really stressed out, having a lot of bad, bad, anxiety. Since the anxiety is something that's been bothering me for such a long time and the vitamins and supplements are not working (not that my diets been great lately either) I did end up going to the dr who prescribed me Ativan. It's been a few days now and it definitely does help when I'm in a full on attack but in a week if its not better I'm supposed to go back.

Other then that a lot of amazing things are happening in my life. I got my license, a car, a job I love, my own little apartment. An amazing, amazing guy I am starting to spend time with. Things overall are turning around for me and I'm looking forward to what my future holds for me.

Busy busy.

     I noticed on July 26th that it had been a month since my last update, and really did mean to post but life has been so crazy. I wish I could tell you all of the amazing things I have going on but I can't. Not yet anyways. I can tell you some good stuff, though!!

     I did not run my 5k race, not because I wasn't ready but I was just so busy I didn't even remember to sign up. Baseball is going great, love my team and I love playing. I signed up for fall season and I do not know what I'm going to do after that. Maybe I'll sign up for dodgeball. Because apparently that's totally a thing!! I thought it was only in movies...that they had dodgeball leagues.

     Foods been okay, I havent been tracking like I used to but am still paying attention and still losing weight. It's been good though.

     I can not begin to explain how happy I am. I made some huge life changes and I have a plan and soon e erring will come together and I will be able to tell you all. I'm currently looking for a job which has been my main downer...I'm lucky that I can be choosy though and can wait for a job that feels right to me.  I'm going to tr and upload some pics now. I'm at 30lbs lost now!

Sorry in advance

I'm writing this from my iPad which always ends up not forming paragraphs, and between my own mess of spelling and autocorrect... Well we all know what happens when I iPad.

Anyways! Onto the good stuff. It's been a crazy week for me here. I signed up for the lose a marathon challenge at the blog run with Jess. I'm so impressed its so well done and organized. Yesterday was my first weigh in and I stayed at the same weight but after the week I had I'm just happy I didn't gain.

I've been in a really weird place emotionally and I've been working hard to just feel better. I haven't been ticking my calories as diligently as I should be but I haven't been going crazy. I have been drinking a ton of beer though lol. I went to a party, I threw a party! I've been. Going out with friends. I joined a baseball team and I still have my 5k coming up. Made new friends and I'm feeling a lot better and doing a better job at keeping myself busy. I've been feeling really bored with my life lately so I had to change something. It worked!

Anyways do back to the challenge. My goals are to get back to tracking my food, limit my beer intake, and to run more often then I have been. I know I can do it I just need to learn how to balance everything. Wish me luck!

Patience is key.

     If there is anything I have learned over the last year, it's patience. 365 days ago I started tracking my calories, and being more active. I don't know how serious I was about it, I didn't think I would make any progress.  Then when I started losing weight and I knew it wasn't as hard as I thought I got cocky. I thought man how easy is this? Why doesn't every body do it? Why wouldn't they?  I certainly didn't think I would hit a plateau and I really didn't think I would hit a plateau that lasted SIX.MONTHS. I did though, and I survived barely. I'm not where I thought I was going to be, but I'm okay with that now.

     There's been a lot of major changes in the last year and a lot of even bigger ones coming over the summer. I was going to write a post about all the things that I've accomplished over the last year or all the changes I've made, but I don't think I will. Instead I'll tell you all about where I am now, and what I am looking forward to.

     As of today I have lost 24 pounds, and 11.5 inches over all.  I'm in control of my eating habits ( for the most part, c'mon we all need cake sometimes.) I'm registering tomorrow for my first 5K run. I'm currently training for said run which is something I never though I would do a year ago. I didn't think I could. Generally I am so much happier. Unbelievably happy. Happy with myself and with the direction my life is taking. I feel like it's worth it now. I have a sense of accomplishment and it's not because I've lost a ton of weight or did great things this year but it's because I know that even when I feel like I'm failing I can stay committed and make real changes, and no matter how long it takes eventually I'll see the results I want. I am about 1/3rd of the way to where I want to be weight wise but mentally I feel like I'm 100% there already. I just hope my body doesn't take another 2 years to catch up.

     Well I hope this post didn't come off sounding cheesy and lame. I'm just so stoked and proud of myself. A year ago I wouldn't have said that but I feel like I deserve it now.

     Tomorrows a big day for our family, so wish us luck! :D

Happy Birthday Nina!

     Today is Ninas 2nd birthday. We're not really celebrating today though, we're going out for dinner and having cake on Monday. Her favorite restaurant, Red Robins. She loves when they sing. I'm so blessed! She really couldn't be more perfect. Okay, she could but I love her. She's so smart and learning so much, every day is something new. She's so active and energetic, I wish I had her stamina. Happy Birthday Nina!

     I have so much ranting I want to do, but it's her birthday and I won't. (About my parents, not her! She's an angel, obviously.)

     Enough about that, I posted my blog link in a forum that I post on a lot, and I think I've had more hits in the last 12 hours then I have in the last month which is just craziness. Thanks for the interest and an O HAI to my new followers.

Rainy days are here again.

     I'm not using that as an excuse though! Last night I put off my run for most of the day but I eventually did it. I started doing the C25K again, and I can feel such a difference from last time. Day 1 Week 1 was EASY. I even ran some of the walking. I thought about skipping the rest of Week 1 but I think I'd rather do it, and not get ahead of myself. Calories are good, working out is good and I'm staying motivated. It's a lot easier now and I'm glad that I didnt give up after being at a plateau of 162 for SO long. I can see such a difference in my endurance and even motivation to get up and just do it. It's crazy how so much can change in a year. Weighed in this morning and I was 159. Can't even remember the last time I saw 162 and I don't even care because it is HISTORY!

     I feel bummed because I can't blog as much as I want to, I either have to hijack Adrians laptop or use mine in safe mode. D: I just have to take it to the mall and get it fixed cause I didn't realize how much I needed it! I do wonder if any one out there even cares. I need to figure out how to stay interesting I suppose!

     I'm going to go add a ticker to my race day! I am SO.STOKED. nervous too, mostly stoked.

Was I scared, did I psyche myself out, or did I just give up.

     I started off with good intentions today. I packed up Nina, got ready and started my 5.8K walk/jog.  I was fine the first part, a little creepy being in the trees alone but nothing too bad. Talked to Nina and pointed out animals. Then we got to the lake where there was lots of other people, with kids and walking their dogs and I felt great. I thought no problem I'm going to rock this. Then I got to the ravine. It's quiet. There's no houses around, your deep in the ravine and I didn't see one other person for a while. I started to get nervous, then anxious. I thought ok keep going it's all in your head, there's no reason to be scared. You have your phone, you can RUN. I sped up a little bit. Still getting more anxious.  Right about the time I got to the area where a body was found a few months ago (this isn't a regular thing! I swear!  I tried to find an article but can't.) Anyways when I got to where the flowers were hanging by a bridge and there was a firepit then I started thinking about how homeless people live under bridges and then every time i walked over a bridge i pictured creepy homeless men coming out and raping me.  Well, I'm sad to say it got bad enough that I literally climed the side of the ravine to get out. With a 25 lb toddler on my back. I did that. It's kind of neat cause I actually ended up right on my street which I didn't even know was going to happen so SUPER helpful for me.

     When I got home I felt good, I retracked my route and I ended up only walking 4.25km. Now that I have a chance to reflect I keep beating myself up about it. I know that I was being crazy. I know that we were perfectly safe. I know people walk that trail hundreds of times. I know I've walked that trail alone before. I can't beat myself up about it, but I wonder if I was actually scared, did i just psyche myself out, or did I just quit and that was an excuse? It's hard with the anxiety to push myself when I know that even though my head is telling me that i am nuts, that I genuinely feel scared. I was really terrified. I really thought all those crazy things in my head about bridge trolls were going to come true. How do I get over that? How do I make sure that I keep my head on track next time?

     Luckily for paranoid assholes like me, Edmonton Police has a super handy tool called the Crime Map. All I have to do is look up the ravine and it shows me all the crimes in that area. Since January of this year there was only 1 crime in the area and thankfully ( for me!) it was neither a violent crime, or anything that would effect me at all. It was theft from a car under $5000. Luckily I don't drive and everything I own is much more then $5000.  So for now my mind is at ease, and next time I'll have to remember that I can do it and that it is as safe, if not safer then just walking down the street.

I don't think this photo really shows how steep it really is! I'll have to go get another photo later, I was SO impressed that I climbed up the side!

Bridge Trolls live here.

R.i.p laptop.

Well, this sucks. Something's wrong with my laptop and I don't know how to fix it. Which means I can only blog from my iPad. I apologize because for some reason blogger won't let me use paragraphs from my iPad. I duno what's up with that but I am bummed. I guess I'll have to go laptop shopping.

MOMentum 5K Walk/Run

     So I've made the decision to sign up for my very first real life 5K walk/run.  It seems basic enough for a newbie like me even if I can't run the whole thing. It's a good start and I am glad I decided to do it. I'm actually really excited, and really nervous. MOMentum, is the link to their website's event page with more information.

     Yesterday was actually a really great day. I walked the 6K route through the ravine that I plan to train on and it's not as scary as I actually thought it would be. I couldnt run yesterday because I had a 15lb weight and was pushing Nina in a bike. Not to mention I had Adrian there, slowing me down as usual (kidding, kidding...kinda.) I'm really motivated to start actually training today, but I don't have a jogging stroller and the stroller I do have is nearly impossible to push on the gravel. Then I was going to go for a walk but the skies not looking so friendly and the forecast is calling for thunderstorms. Actually, now that I think about it if I want to run outside I won't be able to start until Sunday. I'll have to run on the treadmill tomorrow afternoon. I'm not stoked about it, but I want to be able to run my 5k in August! So for today I'll take a rest day and I've planned a few different 5K's both on pavement ( so I can push the stroller or bike) and through the trails, and some 2.5 K's for days when I don't have the time or the energy for a full walk/jog/run.

     On a less happy note, I weighed in and my weight was 1 lbs less then it was yesterday.... which is great except yesterday was 3lbs more then a few weeks ago... which was already 3 lbs more then a few weeks before that but I had the flu so I expected not to keep it off... So I weighed 160. Then I got on my scale 157?! I didnt believe it I got on and off like 5 more times... 157. Then one last time...160. I think my scales messing with me.

I love summer!

     Maybe a little bit of nice weather is what the dr ordered to break my plateau. Can I even call it that? It's been so long. I'm not seeing 162 any more, which is great but every time the scale doesn't go down I get nervous. I really need to get over that, but after such a LONG plateau it's really still bothering me. I am making progress though and it is over so I just need to move on.  I need to quit talking about it, and soon enough I will quit thinking about it.

     There is just something about the nice weather that makes me want to get up and MOVE! I dont want to sit inside on the couch all day. It never bothered me before but now I just want to be in the sun, I want to be moving. I'm glad I can get back to walking and maybe I'll get the guts to jog in public, but... I'm scared. Which is stupid really, because I run at the gym and that is just as public as the street and not nearly as much fun as the trails I have access too. I even bought a pink and white soccer ball Nina is having a good time kicking around. I'm glad she's such an active baby. I hope she doesn't grow out of that.

     The very best part of summer is DEFINITELY the bbqs! I love bbqing every day when I can, and using my crock pot on days that I cant because cooking on the stove is just too much heat!  If there is one thing I love it's trying new recipes. I'm not much of a cook myself, but I can follow a recipe pretty good. I will definitely start sharing great ones that I find. Tonight I'm trying ( surprise!) Skinny Taste's Buffalo Turkey Burger. I'll be having the slaw but with regular ranch dressing and not the blue cheese. Not because I have anything against blue cheese (her blue cheese buffalo chicken dip is seriously AMAZING!) but because I don't have any.

     Any body have any other food blogs or cookbooks that are worth sharing? I'm going to be looking around this afternoon but I love any one elses suggestions and reviews! I'll also try posting more photos, not only of myself but of FOOD. I love food, and I'm glad we're working on our problems and moving towards a healthy relationship.

345 days.

     It's been that long. Seriously! I better start getting my 1 year speech ready. Like I'm accepting an award. I'll put it right beside my mom of the year and best wife ever trophies. Really though?! Almost a whole year I've been fighting this war. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing the battles, but I'm winning the war. War on fat. YOU HEAR THAT?!? I'm coming for you...and you... and YOU.

     Really though, maybe it's because it's finally not raining, maybe it's because I woke up at a normal hour after a long, solid sleep.  I woke up in a great mood... I feel almost rejuvenated. In my head I feel like "I GOT THIS. AINT NO THANG". All the depression and anxiety for the last few days is just gone. Maybe it's because Adrian bought me flowers and a thank you card for belated mothers day. Which will from this day forth be called Sabrina Appreciation Day.  I blew my nose and lost my tissue in bed, Adrian is not going to be happy when he finds it.

     Weighed in this morning at a beautiful looking 158. BEAUTIFUL. 

     Followed a bunch of new blogs yesterday and I'm loving them. Gosh internet people are so witty and humorous. I hope one day I can stop writing like a kindergardener and people will find me as interesting as I find the bloggers I follow to be. I aspire to it.

     Thanks everybody for your supportive comments on my last few posts. I really haven't been feeling myself but I am back and feeling better then ever. I am going to work on my Thank you speech so I will leave you with this.

I tried to find a recent picture of me but I do not have one, so I will work on that today if I manage to get pants on. 

and yes I wear my sunglasses inside. Actually I don't usually but I had my eyebrows waxed so they were all red. Thank you Victoria for making me feel like a wacko.

   

What the heck?!??

 All of the blogs I follow are missing from my reading list!! wtf do I do!! I love so many blogs omg I am going to punch kittens.

10 am, and it's no good.

My day, this far anyways. I was hoping to sleep in but with a two year old that's nearly impossible. I woke up feeling like crap' and it's raining. Went through the morning routine in the bathroom (more on that later) and finally put on pants and got the baby downstairs, with out falling down them for the 10000th time. I still felt like crap so I gave mini Satan fruit while I satin the couch watching toopy and binoo which for some reason is toopy and puppy to her. I think it's a cat which is weird because she calls everything cats except the cat, that's a puppy. Anyways she eats it and I start second breakfast, eggs whites with peppers and onions for me...egg yolks with the same for her. I'm efficient that way. But do you think she wants them? No. Salt and vinegar chips? Of course. And not wanting to shame my mom of the year award she won this battle. Now she is sitting in front of the tv with her eggs...I still feel like throwing up. And now I'm being mounted by a 2 year old. I couldn't decide if I should blog from my iPad or wait till I got my laptop but considering its dead if I waited to charge it I probably never would have blogged at all, so after all of the auto corrections and my terrible iPad typing I hope this still makes sense. I dream of strangling toopy. Now the good stuff. I went to visit my sister and as I had suspected, I was not only over in sodium but it was through.the.roof. Somedays as high as 4000mg. I even managed to eat a 520 calorie cookie. Can you believe that? So I got home caring fresh vegetables. We're having salads for lunch and dinner all week. I'm so bloated I'm drinking a shit ton of sassy water because it usually helps when I feel bloated. It's not all negative though, I weighed in today and didn't gain anything so I am not complaining. I still tracked everything I ate and even though I went over most days and I'm probably retaining water like crazy I am not seeing 162. Smells like its time to go.

Whoa.

I guess I just don't have anything important to update lately...not much in the way of progress anyways. I haven't seen 162 on y scale in quite some time so that's nice. I started eating 1200 calories again. Going to aqua size and going for walks so generally feeling better and doing better. I'm concerned about this weekend though. I'm going to my sisters so I'll be traveling for a better part of Friday and eating at her house all weekend and traveling back on Monday. I love my sister, but her idea of a meal is buying something from m and m meats and throwing it in the oven. She doesn't buy fresh fruits or vegetables...and even told me m and m meats sells eggs and bacon. I'll still be tracking though and I'll be drinking a ton of water...it is just the sodium ill be worried about mostly. I'm still happy though I haven't seen her in over a year. I'll definitely Update with lots of pictures whe I get back.

I've got this.

I figured it out. I bought Henrey a harness and leash type thing to attach to the deck so he does get to enjoy some out side time as well. We're all a little happier around here now with out the moaning. We're all done with the flu and stomach bugs. I have stuck to around 1300 to 1600 calories for the sat few days and I weighed in today and it was NOT 162. I could have cried tears of joy. It seems like every time it changes though, I blog about it and it bounces right back so I'm tempted to just delete this whole sentence. Well, off to find some fun activities for us to do today...I wanted to go for a walk but it seems awfully windy and pushing the stroller in the wind is more of a work out then I think I can handle. Can't wait for the weekend, it's supposed to be beautiful.